mourning the loss of our day 5 blastocyst

it’s been 4 hours since my last post at 3am.  i’m tired but i woke up with so much on my mind that i needed to write it out. 

we need to mourn the loss of our little day 5 blastocyst that was expanded, had 100% of it’s orignal cells, and was a 4BA quality.  i had been thinking that maybe all along this may be our guy.  we had entered the world of chromosomal testing on embryos at our world renowned clinic and we had two blasts frozen from a previous cycle (from when i was 39ish) that we could not test.  these embryos were created without i.c.si, so they could not be tested as it was not allowed by the study.   so , all along i thought, well, maybe those embryos were our ticket.  we would probably use them last, but maybe that they’d be the ones to work.  always in my mind.  we decided to try one of them, the best one, first before using one of our two tested embryos.  we are doing eset because of my uterus and potential issues with twins (funny, huh, – if i could get one to implant and thrive it would be nothing short of a miracle).  so, there we went. 

now, statistically speaking, that embryo had a 50% of being normal.  we’ve had 2 of 3 be normal and then 1 of 2 be normal, so we thought if we got to blast that 50% of them would be normal.  that is consistent with said clinic’s data.  since it was the “best looking” out of the two, and was at appropriate makeup at each stage of development to get to blast, we thought this had the best chance of being the normal one.  

was it riddled with chromosomal errors?  was it normal but couldn’t implant in my uterus because my lining wasn’t optimal, accepting, thick enough (it was 7.4 mm at last lining check before starting progesterone).  was my lining somehow “out of phase”, to use a loose term that RE’s don’t even seem to understand, and the embryo, whether normal or not, had no chance of implanting.  was it a boy or a girl…gosh, i can’t think of that.  is it just a bundle of cells right now that i will be passing soon when AF arrives.  very harsh, i know, but i would like to say goodbye little embryo…..and thanks for the opportunity.  maybe you tried with all your might but just couldn’t make it.  maybe you were the little engine that couldn’t.

as i said in my last blog, we have 3 more left, 2 tested and 1 untested.  we decided that enough was enough having done 4 cycles locally, transferring one at a time, with just 2 chemicals, and then moving on to our stellar clinic and having 2 zift procedures, one resulting in a 10 wk miscarriage (a blighted ovum), and then 4 more stim cycles to try to get normal embryos.  two of those cycles resulted in 3 total normals and two of them resulted in no blastocysts to test. 

oh, and i forgot to mention,  i only have one ovary….that makes it pretty tough to get a good number of eggs at retrievals, right?  each time i would think to myself, “damn, if i only could double this number, we’d be golden”. 

so, today, i am being denied my thought that maybe this is the one, the golden egg/embryo.  today i have to accept that he or she didn’t make it for whatever reason.  all i have is knowledge that it didn’t work and unanswered questions as to why.  we will be having our WTF call with my RE soon, but i know how this goes…been there done that too many times. 

so, goodbye my little embryo.  goodbye.  you were loved.

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starting out

hello….this is my first blog ever. i am going to remain anonymous at the beginning as this is all new to me and i’m having a difficult time with infertility right now. i am hoping that i can use this blog to help others as well as provide an outlet for me to share my inner thoughts about starting a family.

my dh and i have entered the 4th decade of our lives and are still childless. we have been married for almost 6 yrs and have a wonderful marriage. i truly am blessed to have him in my life. we’ve had several ivf’s now and had two chemicals and a miscarriage. we have 3 embryos left, 1 untested blastocyst and 2 normal (tested) blastocysts. my uterus doesn’t cooperate…it doesn’t get thick enough in fet prep, it is only half-sized (unicornuate) and there is more. there are no real show stoppers other than my age and maybe some uterine issues. we just got a negative after transferring one untested blastocyst. we only transfer one at a time because twins would be impossible in me. we just don’t want to have to consider that even if the chances are as thin as my lining.

we are also at a point where we may start the adoption process. i’ve been reading a lot about it. we went to an information session about 2 yrs ago now. we’ve had some positive results that keep us in the ivf game (normal blastocysts and m/c), and we contemplate whether it is good for us to pursue both at the same time. they are almost counter-intuitive….it’s like if you start the adoption process while doing ivf you are saying the ivf won’t work, and if you do ivf when going through with adoption, you are saying that you aren’t whole heartedly into the adoption process and a biological child is important to you.

so, here i am. i may not have words of wisdom now, i may not have a clear path that you can follow, i may not have many followers, but if there are any of you out there fighting the same battles, please feel free to post with your experiences, advice, happy thoughts, unhappy thoughts, whatever. just be nice, ok? ha-ha.