mourning the loss of our day 5 blastocyst

it’s been 4 hours since my last post at 3am.  i’m tired but i woke up with so much on my mind that i needed to write it out. 

we need to mourn the loss of our little day 5 blastocyst that was expanded, had 100% of it’s orignal cells, and was a 4BA quality.  i had been thinking that maybe all along this may be our guy.  we had entered the world of chromosomal testing on embryos at our world renowned clinic and we had two blasts frozen from a previous cycle (from when i was 39ish) that we could not test.  these embryos were created without i.c.si, so they could not be tested as it was not allowed by the study.   so , all along i thought, well, maybe those embryos were our ticket.  we would probably use them last, but maybe that they’d be the ones to work.  always in my mind.  we decided to try one of them, the best one, first before using one of our two tested embryos.  we are doing eset because of my uterus and potential issues with twins (funny, huh, – if i could get one to implant and thrive it would be nothing short of a miracle).  so, there we went. 

now, statistically speaking, that embryo had a 50% of being normal.  we’ve had 2 of 3 be normal and then 1 of 2 be normal, so we thought if we got to blast that 50% of them would be normal.  that is consistent with said clinic’s data.  since it was the “best looking” out of the two, and was at appropriate makeup at each stage of development to get to blast, we thought this had the best chance of being the normal one.  

was it riddled with chromosomal errors?  was it normal but couldn’t implant in my uterus because my lining wasn’t optimal, accepting, thick enough (it was 7.4 mm at last lining check before starting progesterone).  was my lining somehow “out of phase”, to use a loose term that RE’s don’t even seem to understand, and the embryo, whether normal or not, had no chance of implanting.  was it a boy or a girl…gosh, i can’t think of that.  is it just a bundle of cells right now that i will be passing soon when AF arrives.  very harsh, i know, but i would like to say goodbye little embryo…..and thanks for the opportunity.  maybe you tried with all your might but just couldn’t make it.  maybe you were the little engine that couldn’t.

as i said in my last blog, we have 3 more left, 2 tested and 1 untested.  we decided that enough was enough having done 4 cycles locally, transferring one at a time, with just 2 chemicals, and then moving on to our stellar clinic and having 2 zift procedures, one resulting in a 10 wk miscarriage (a blighted ovum), and then 4 more stim cycles to try to get normal embryos.  two of those cycles resulted in 3 total normals and two of them resulted in no blastocysts to test. 

oh, and i forgot to mention,  i only have one ovary….that makes it pretty tough to get a good number of eggs at retrievals, right?  each time i would think to myself, “damn, if i only could double this number, we’d be golden”. 

so, today, i am being denied my thought that maybe this is the one, the golden egg/embryo.  today i have to accept that he or she didn’t make it for whatever reason.  all i have is knowledge that it didn’t work and unanswered questions as to why.  we will be having our WTF call with my RE soon, but i know how this goes…been there done that too many times. 

so, goodbye my little embryo.  goodbye.  you were loved.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 14:41:49

    Hey, I’m glad you started a blog, I found it so helpful to get out those emotions that were always in my head. This is your space to write what you want and we will be here to support you.

    You are a strong woman and I know the journey has been devastatingly difficult, but I am hoping that something is got to give and get you your baby and SOON.

    I don’t think pursuing two options at the same time is bad. I did it with a FET of my own while searching for a GC. You need to do what is right for you and your dh.

    Be good to yourself. Thinking of you.

    rb-k

    Reply

  2. Cassie
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 17:45:37

    Welcome to the blogosphere! You are in good company here. I’m so sorry to hear of your latest loss. I hope you will keep fighting and I’m glad you decided to document it with a blog. As R said, it is indeed a good outlet. I will be reading and supporting you with every step.

    I also like the idea of pursuing more than one option at a time. The worst thing that could happen would be that you would end up with two children at the same time, and would that be so awful?

    I’m wishing you a very happy and hopeful 2011!

    Reply

  3. LisainSK
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 18:09:07

    Welcome to blogland!! Big hugs to you and DH…none of this is fair or makes sense.

    Reply

  4. jamie
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 18:34:12

    Hi,

    I sometime lurk on the Old Timer’s Board (more active on the CCCM Summer Cycling board) and just wanted to drop you a note…

    I am so sorry to read you story, but wanted you to know you are far from alone and I feel your pain.

    Similar to you, I am in my early 40’s and, tonight, have to face the 5th New Year’s Eve where we still haven’t held our baby in my arms for the first time.

    It took me going though a 3rd miscarriage for the doctors to finally perform a full thrombophilia panel. I tested positive for MTHFR (with normal homocystine) and for lupus anticoagulant. Dr. S. seems to waffle between believing in autoimmune issues or not.

    Upon the advice of my geneticist (not affiliated with CCRM), whom I trust and adore, we are gearing up for a FET on 1/21.

    In the meantime, we’ve selected an attorney and started interviewing adoption agencies. We sat down with the director of one earlier this week and, although it’s going to cost another big pile of money, it looks very promising. Most of her clients are matched within 6 months and have a baby in their arms within 18. This may be the route we need to go too…

    Go easy on yourself (remember, your body is still full of hormones) and know we are thinking of you.

    Hugs!

    Flygirl555
    http://ivflygirl.blogspot.com/

    Reply

    • hoping4family
      Dec 31, 2010 @ 20:30:35

      oh, flygirl…i remember reading posts from you! i think you and i are going to become good cyberspace buddies. i really hope this FET is it for you!!! are you doing the rob’s cocktail? it’s an antihistimne protocol. i’ve heard very good things about it when there is a potential concern for immune issues. i intend on asking dr. sch about it. thanks so much for posting on my blog!!!

  5. Lastchanceivf
    Jan 01, 2011 @ 02:13:16

    Ok so I *think* I recognize you here…I’m ashleypenelope on the old ivfc but I haven’t been over there since the updated forum.

    At any rate I’m so so sorry for all you’ve been through, it’s so much so much. I hope you find that blogging helps you get it all out, but much more than that I hope you find peace and happiness in the new year!

    Reply

    • hoping4family
      Jan 01, 2011 @ 09:08:05

      hi ashleypenelope…..yes, i think you may recognize me…i’m daisysmom. i’ve been reading your blog here and there, and if you don’t mind, will add it as a link on my page. i know you have a lot of followers, so i’m not sure you’d want me to do that. just let me know. i hope that you are blessed with your hearts desires this year!!!

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