joy in sorrow

i’m sure many of you have had this happen…you are upset about something, then by the grace of God or the universe or whatever you believe in, you have a great moment.  well, this happened to me…but it was really the whole weekend. 

we babysat my best friend’s 4 kids at their house on friday night… we are very close to them; one of them is my God-daughter.  there are 3 girls (13, 11, 9) and 1 boy (7).  i am the fun “auntie” to them.  i usually do something creative with them.  well, this time we made some white mountain cupcakes and then scurried around trying to find the powdered sugar to make frosting.  there was  none.  all we had was regular sugar and some marshmellows.  so, i said that we should go online and find a recipe with marshmellows instead of conf sugar.  i’m a chemical eng, so to me, you can always find a way to make something.  so, we find this recipe that had great reviews where you make a simple syrup with sugar, water, and cream of tartar, then whip up egg whites to a soft peak, then mix the two parts to a stiff peak (about 10 mins)..  each kid had to do about 3 mins on the blender.   when they saw what happened when the syrup went into the whipped egg whites, they were amazed.  it became this fluffy heaven-ness.  everyone was smiling from ear to ear.  this is one of the best frostings i have ever made!  it’s white as snow, it glistens, and it tastes like marshmellow, but not as sweet.  it spreads perfectly.  we frosted the cupcakes using a piping bag, then added some colored sugar, stars, whatever was in the cupboard.    i indulged myself with one…who wouldn’t, right?  they were delicious.  the kids had 2 each on average.  then we went on to making a dinosaur villiage with playdough complete with a river, river rocks, trees, a volcano, and several different dinosaurs (DH’s were the best).   we had about 10 different colors to work with.  it was very cute.  they took all sorts of pictures of the scene.  before we knew it, 5 hrs had flown by like nothing.  the next day my friend called in the morning and told me that the kids had so much fun that they were talking about it all morning and telling (showing off to) their cousins.  she said they wrote about it in their ipod journals.    it made my heart smile. 

last night DH and i went to our favorite greek restaurant and we had spanikopita, moussaka, lamb chop, and some delicious greek red wine (well DH had Sam Adams Winter).  it was a nice night.

then today we made as second Christ.mas E.ve dinner with my Mom and brother.  we went to my aunt’s house for Christ.mas eve and, although it was delicious, we still wanted to have our own.  plus, we wanted to use some of the tuna DH caught off Blo.ck Isla.nd this past fall.  so, we made linguine with tuna gravy (red sauce – my local italian dialect), crab cakes, flounder, shrimp cocktail, and salad.  we also got some delicious bread.  normally, as part of our Christ.mas E.ve dinner, we make calamari, fried smelts, clams casino, baked stuffed shrimp (i made that on christmas day, though), and snail salad.  but, we decided to cut some corners, but have the fish and shellfish, nonetheless.  

so, i think i know what gets me through…cooking and creating and feeling good about sharing it with those i love.  are you hungry yet?

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tricks of the trade – calling all bloggers

as of right now, i really have nothing new to report on the quest for creating a family, therefore, i figured i might get some thoughts out about my blog and how it’s set up.  i typically do this when processing all the emotional stuff…busy myself with tangible tasks, whether at work or at home, because it’s easier to handle issues that are black and white.  so, here are my questions:

it seems like everyone else’s blogs are more customized than mine.  when i set up my blog i just went online and found free blog service sites…and picked word.press.  there are only certain themes you can choose and there isn’t much customization allowed.  i’d have to buy additional customization tools.  have you all done this?  or was your service more customizable?  seems like a lot of you have blo.gspot.com.  (see my additional punctuation there…i’ve picked up that in doing that you don’t get people who just search that word, right?…that’s the reason it’s done, right?…not bad for a novice, eh?)

i set up links to others blogs that i follow, but they don’t show up like on other’s blogs.  on mine, you cannot see if there was an update on that blog.  is there some way to set that up? 

when i post comments on your blogs, i have to login to word.press first for it to accept my profile name.  is this typical?  do you have to login to leave a post on my blog? 

i know i may sound like a total greenhorn, and maybe some of you have had a chuckle (hope so) with my questions, but i figured you guys may offer some advice.

also, i typically don’t like to use capital letters (if you haven’t already figured that out).  it’s not that i don’t know they are required to be gramatically correct, but for some reason, i’m just not into the capital letter.  if i was writing a report for work, writing a formal letter, or sending a resume in for a job app, you can bet you’d see them…but for my normal everyday emails, posts, etc, i see no reason to spend the extra energy to capitalize.  hopefully you guys don’t find that offensive.   i know of a few people who write like this…we must have a common gene. 

other than this, i’ve just been busy at work and at home.  i am trying to give myself a week or two of “free” time to feel what i want, express what i want, do what i want.  i’ve enjoyed coffee (gosh did i miss that), chocolate, a little wine here and there.  i just started working out again last night and it felt good.  i always feel better, mentally and physically, after exercising.  so, i figure i’d give myself a little time to crawl back out of the doldrums and move forward with a clearer head and heart. 

thanks for your replies to my posts, i really look forward to them.

edited to add today’s snow picture…daisymae and snowman

back to work ramblings

today i went back to work after having almost 2 wks off.  i had remaining vacation time that i had to “use or lose”.  it worked out that we went to denver the week before christmas and it was good to have the time off when i got the bad news.  so, i go back and everyone asks how were your holidays and your vacation time.  “did you go anywhere”?  er, uh, no.  just stayed home.  “how was your christmas?” it was good, hectic, but good, we had everyone at our house.  “happy new year”   yep, here we go.  some of you probably know how it is.  you have to put the face on.   one of my colleagues told me i looked rested and refreshed.  well, she had no clue i spent new years eve and day crying, cancelling my plans because i didn’t even want to face my friends and their kids.   i couldn’t sleep, hardly ate anything, etc.  how could i look refreshed. 

i had to tell two people who i’m very friendly with at work (one is a 60 something man i’ve worked with for almost 10 yrs (i’m like the daughter he never had), the other is a semi-fertile 28 yr old from india who has suffered two miscarriages but who has a 4 yr old dd).  i was anxious about going in and having to tell them, but it just faced it head on when i went in.  i also told them that i’m going to start the adoption process, too.  so, why don’t i do it.  why do i say it, but then when it comes time to do it, i say, well by the end of the week, or by the end of the month, or let me try one more fet, then i’ll do it.  i think part of it is that my dh thinks that if we start, we are going to do it regardless of what happens with treatment.  he thinks that if you say you are going to do something, you do it.  and he is right.   i wish fear didn’t enter the equation.  i wish i could work hard, like i do monday through friday, and get the result we want.  but, IF doesn’t work that way.     

i want to be that person i used to be, loving life, cracking jokes, entertaining, with a guttural happiness that can’t be denied.   please bring her back!

1.1.11 – a new year of hope?

ok, i’d love to start off the new year with a positive outlook, with a boat load of hope for 2011, but it’s so hard to do that right now.  IF robs you of that as many of you fighting with IF know.  i guess there may be some type of transition going on in my head.   when i think of IVF and my future cycles it’s not all that positive….but, for some reason, when i think of adoption, i picture a baby to love that needs me whose mother was brave enough to carry and deliver and seek what is best for him/her.   but yet, i still can’t give up on treatment…maybe because we have those embryos that have some potential.  who knows.    

sometimes you need to laugh instead of cry, right?  i think of this often when i try and try and try and keep ending up with the short stick.  this is a dialogue between lloyd and mary from the movie “dumb and dumber”.  any of you remember this?  i think i may be like lloyd when it comes to my conversations with my RE. 

Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together?
Mary: Well, Lloyd, that’s difficult to say. I mean, we don’t really…
Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I’d say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd: So you’re telling me there’s a chance… *YEAH!*