back to work ramblings

today i went back to work after having almost 2 wks off.  i had remaining vacation time that i had to “use or lose”.  it worked out that we went to denver the week before christmas and it was good to have the time off when i got the bad news.  so, i go back and everyone asks how were your holidays and your vacation time.  “did you go anywhere”?  er, uh, no.  just stayed home.  “how was your christmas?” it was good, hectic, but good, we had everyone at our house.  “happy new year”   yep, here we go.  some of you probably know how it is.  you have to put the face on.   one of my colleagues told me i looked rested and refreshed.  well, she had no clue i spent new years eve and day crying, cancelling my plans because i didn’t even want to face my friends and their kids.   i couldn’t sleep, hardly ate anything, etc.  how could i look refreshed. 

i had to tell two people who i’m very friendly with at work (one is a 60 something man i’ve worked with for almost 10 yrs (i’m like the daughter he never had), the other is a semi-fertile 28 yr old from india who has suffered two miscarriages but who has a 4 yr old dd).  i was anxious about going in and having to tell them, but it just faced it head on when i went in.  i also told them that i’m going to start the adoption process, too.  so, why don’t i do it.  why do i say it, but then when it comes time to do it, i say, well by the end of the week, or by the end of the month, or let me try one more fet, then i’ll do it.  i think part of it is that my dh thinks that if we start, we are going to do it regardless of what happens with treatment.  he thinks that if you say you are going to do something, you do it.  and he is right.   i wish fear didn’t enter the equation.  i wish i could work hard, like i do monday through friday, and get the result we want.  but, IF doesn’t work that way.     

i want to be that person i used to be, loving life, cracking jokes, entertaining, with a guttural happiness that can’t be denied.   please bring her back!


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cassie
    Jan 04, 2011 @ 12:01:57

    I know just how hard it is to tell those little lies about what you did and where you went during your time off. It is so frustrating to put on that facade of happiness. I’m glad you were able to share with some of your colleagues though – it can be so helpful to just have a few people who know what you are going through.

    And I can also understand how hard it must be to finally take those steps towards adoption. Like once you do it, there is no going back. That’s how I felt when we moved to DE. I was like, really? That’s it for me? We are totally giving up on me? But once we moved forward it was really exciting. I know that once you get into the process, you will feel better about it. And I think that you don’t even have to totally give up on the FETs when you move forward with adoption. Hopefully you can convince DH of that – that you still don’t want to close the door on pursuing your own treatments.


  2. Patience
    Jan 04, 2011 @ 17:29:52

    I have to face the back to work day tomorrow- I totally get where you are coming from. I am thankful to have a few good friend who know what we’ve been up to and can support me through the day. Hoping the days get easier for you as time goes on.

    We are just starting on the adoption path ourselves- and I am not 100% there yet. We’ve been on the treatment path for way too long, and it was time to try something else. It was DH who pushed us in this direction, as I am sure I would be doing another cycle if I could. DH has agreed to cycle again for a sibling once we adopt. I am taking solace in that right now.

    Good luck in whatever path you choose. Know that you are not alone- there are so many of us out there fighting the IF dragon, too.


  3. Lastchanceivf
    Jan 05, 2011 @ 10:11:19

    I know the decisions are not easy in the least. I can only speak from my own experience but it is possible to explore both options at the same time—hard but possible. Hugs to you.


  4. MangyMutt
    Jan 07, 2011 @ 23:44:05

    I’m so sorry Daisysmom… I have been wondering how you were – and hoped that you had the good news that you so deserve. I hope the stars align for you and that 2011 will truly be your year. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

    MangyMutt (Andrea)


  5. Flygirl555
    Jan 10, 2011 @ 15:49:56

    I’ve been right where you are…it sucks! Just remember, it’s your story to tell to the people you wish to when you are ready. Once you’ve put it out there, you can’t take it back.

    There are still many, many people who have no clue what we’ve been going through, but now that we’re turning to adoption simultaneously, I’m a little more open because you never know who knows who.

    Although our FET is in a little less than two weeks, I just went to the post office today to mail in our application to the adoption agency we’re going to work with. I was so excited! As a good friend said yesterday – of course you’re more excited about the adoption, because at this point it seems like more of a sure thing. She’s exactly right…

    One way or another, we ARE going to hold our child in our arms before 1/1/12!!! We just know it!!


  6. hoping4family
    Jan 11, 2011 @ 21:56:08

    just a post to say thanks for thinking of me and posting, girls. mangy – nice to hear from you…hope you are well!


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