sick and home pondering

we had a nice valentine’s day…even though i’m sick.  we made a nice aglio e olio with black olives, fresh tomatoes, herbs, angel hair spaghetti, and of course, lots of garlic.  mmm.  being sick, this wasn’t the special dinner originally planned, but it was still good….we turned off the tv, lit the candles, opened the vino, etc.  i love dh.  i think i need to give him a name like my fellow bloggers do.  i’ll have to think of that…

i started feeling sick yesterday and last night…little bit of chills and pressure in the chest.  it started out as a sinus thing.  i used the n.eti pot and i think that kept it out of my sinuses and moved it down to me bronchial tract.  anyway, i’m home sick today, watching tv, scanning the internet, and laying around with ms. mae.  (btw, she goes in on thursday for the growth removal surgery…fingers crossed.  her bloodwork came back good, so she is ready to go.  my little poopah.  she has about 25 nicknames.)  

being down for the count, i have been following links to other great blogs and got into reading a mind/body post on one of them….which lead to an article on yoga for infertility…which then led to a link to this…. http://www.resolve.org/resources/resolve-s-teleseminar-series.html  …and thought i’d post it in case some of you may be interested.  i didn’t realize resolve had teleseminars.  i’ve been most interested in the mind-body stuff recently.  not in the idiotic “relax and you’ll get pregnant” sense, but in how to move towards acceptance and creating a whole, full, life while going through treatment and/or pursing adoption.  i really wish there was a support group in my area with women who have tried and tried and tried and are in a similar stage, not the ones who have 1 or 2 failures (no offense if it’s you, but you aren’t in the same boat and i sincerely hope you never are!).   i’ve tried to find them, but there are none.  i’ve considered the ali.ce do.mar center since it’s not too far for me (about 1 hr away), but thought it may be too preachy for me.   but, i’m looking into it.   anyone ever go there?

sometimes i think i’m onto my own new path towards resolution….letting go of treatment in a sense or at least being apathetic towards it.  even though we have our remaining embryos.  i feel sort of weird.  like i don’t belong “here”, but i also don’t belong “there” yet.  i’m awaiting beta-integrin results, and they’ve taken forever to respond, but i almost don’t care.  i don’t really know what to write about this feeling, but that i just feel strange.  i bet some of you in transition can relate.   i am waiting to see that bright beacon.  i know it may not be bright, but at least i need to be moving towards it. 

lastly, i just wanted to thank all of you for following my blog, posting, providing links in your blogs to others who are fighting the uphill battle to create a family.   sometimes you feel so isolated and alone, then, unfortunately for all of us, you find that you really aren’t.

My Best Friend…

….is daisy mae.  she and i are really tight.  we don’t speak the same language, but we have a language of our own.  she is my 10 yr, soon to be 11 yr  old yellow lab.  her birthday is feb 19.  you’ve probably seen pictures of her in posts or on ivfconn before, but in case you haven’t here she is:

she knows me like no one else.  i picked her from the litter because she responded to me from the beginning, running between my legs and playing with me when she was only 6 wks old.  she was with me when i bought my first house by myself.   she and i went for walks everyday before work and when i got home.  she has been through a lot with me.  she dressed up for our wedding.  she was there when dh moved in.   she was there when we looked for our new house.  she was there when we had family get togethers.  she was there when i came home from stressful days at work.  she was there when my dad died.  she was there through my every iui, ivf, bfp, bfn, m/c, you name it.  you get the picture, she is always there.  she is laying next to me right now and we will be going for a walk soon with my mom and her dog, susie.  here they are by my mom’s pool.

 

she has started to get little skin growths recently.  i ended up getting one of them aspirated and tested.  it came back with “unusual cells” detected and immediate removal is recommended.  they are most concerned with squamous cell carcinoma.  she had blood drawn yesterday to make sure she can handle the anesthesia, being an older girl and all.  it may be just excision and monitoring, but, you always think the worst, you know.  so, now we wait and see.  

i hope that she is fine because i need her.  i’m not a crazed dog person, but i do need her.  i need her to help me get through the family making part of my life.  don’t get me wrong,  i have the most wonderful dh (who really is my best friend, but best human friend) and a wonderful mom and family, but i don’t know how i would handle disappointment without her.  i’ve gone through the worst times of my life in the past 6 yrs or so and some days just having her to hug and hold has been the ONLY thing that got me through.  i want her to meet my child, bio or adopted.  i want her to lick his/her face.  i want her to be there…..because she is THE BEST!!!   she is as sweet as they come.  here’s another picture from a while back in case you haven’t seen enough….she likes getting dressed up for halloween.  🙂