natural fet and other thoughts

i am slowly getting over being sick.  it’s taken me over 2 wks.  i can’t remember the last time i was knocked on my buttocks like this.  in the beginning, i was out of work for 4 days…that’s like an eternity in my office.  the days out were ironically timed perfectly with ms. mae’s surgery, so we were recovering together.  maybe it was her doggie guardian angel that made me sick so i could be with her.   the cytology results for all growths came back as non-cancerous…thank God!   she gets her staples out this thursday.   so, this one is behind us.  whew!

while on the couch, i got hooked on “french cooking from home” with laura calder on the cooking channel.  i now have a new-found interest in french cooking.   i also watched julie and julia, so that sealed the deal.  my heritage is 1/4 french (french canadian actually) and 3/4 italian.   since my mom is all italian and my dad was 1/2 italian and 1/2 french, with his mom being all italian.  with all the female italian influence, the french side didn’t really have a chance.  my dad would make french meat pies now and then, and was good at different sauces, etc, but other than that, between him and my mom it was mostly italian (ok, italian-american) type cooking.   i’m really excited about following (dvr-ing) this new show.   check it out if you haven’t seen it.  the theme music from it is awesome.  i want to make boeuf bourguignon soon.  i’ll probably use julia’s recipe instead of laura calder’s.  i have a nice le creuset that my DH bought for me a last christmas, so it’s aching to be filled with the beouf bourguignon, i can feel it. 

i think red wine and beef are good things for building lining.  i need all the help i can get.  we’re trying a “natural” fet prep right now.  this involves no bcp’s or lupron.  it goes pretty quickly.  there’s no baseline check, which seems weird to me.  i started estrogen patches on day 1 of my AF and around the time of normal ovulation (3/8), i will have a US and bloodwork to see where we stand in terms of the lining and hormones.  if all goes well, the transfer will be 3/14.  since i’ve had to go 3 weeks longer than the average person in a medicated fet to create an adequate lining, i’m not anticipating this working at all.  the prep time is just too short.  i’m anticipating going in for the US and seeing a 6.0 mm lining, even with the patches.  it is something different to try though.  my RE thought it would be worth a try, stating that maybe my natural estrogen (from actually having a growing follicle) may result in a better lining.  if all goes well, we are planning to add this cocktail (predinsone, claritin, and pepcid) they have devised to help prevent your body from rejecting the embryo, if that is in fact what is happening.  we are planning to transfer the untested blast, reserving the 2 normal blasts for future (potential GC, but highly unlikely as i really can’t seem to get comfortable with that).  although my chances are a major longshot, i do not feel comfortable with any chance for both of them taking.  my little uterus would not be able to handle it.  so, that is that. 

unfortunately, but probably understandably, i’m not excited about this transfer.  been there, done that, know what i mean?  i told my boss and project manager that i may be needing time out for medical reasons but that i won’t know until a week before.  i wonder what they think of me…”here she goes again”.   i don’t look forward to traveling.  i don’t look forward to the train you take at the denver airport.  i know it too well.  permanently in my head…. “hold on please, we are approaching the station for all ‘a’ gates”   i know it’s probably me, but i feel like i don’t belong going there anymore.  like i’ve worn out my welcome.  BUT, we  have 3 embryos there.   3 potentials, albiet slim (sorry guys/gals).  if they are all transferred to me, that will be 3 more trips. ..ugh.   

i bought the alice domar “healing mind, healthy women” and am trying to get into it.  i’m not expecting it to cure my infertility, i’m not expecting it to make me gung-ho, but, i’m just hoping that there is something in there that clicks with me and helps to get me out of my present funk.   as i’ve been saying in most of my posts, if not directly, i haven’t taken the plunge with the first steps in the adoption process and it’s causing me anxiety.   

lastly, tomorrow will be 5 yrs that my dad has been gone.  i know this is another underlying cause of my melancholy state.   i hope i don’t make anyone uncomfortable by writing about this.  i just need to acknowledge that although i, actually we, have come so far in mourning the loss of such a loving, caring, witty, fun, interesting man, it’s still raw.   i was fortunate to have a dad like him.  i know this with all my heart.  i had a dream the other night with him in it.  he told me, “if you want to have a baby, you will have a baby” (meaning adoption, i think).  he hugged me and then i woke up.   i woke up feeling a guttural happiness, like i actually did hug him, like i actually did see him, like he actually did comfort me.  it was wonderful.  i told my mom and she and i had a cry.  i wonder if it was just me creating these thoughts/dreams, but i hope it’s something beyond me like an angel trying to support and nurture me from above.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LisainSK
    Mar 02, 2011 @ 06:48:13

    I wish you all the best with your upcoming natural FET. Hugs to you on the anniversary of the passing of your dad…take care!


  2. Flygirl555
    Mar 02, 2011 @ 09:21:31

    Glad to hear Daisy Mae is doing well and is on the road to recovery. Please give her belly rubs form me.

    I think I know exactly how you feel about not getting excited and “been there, done that.” I felt the same way about my January cycle – which, in retrospect, is probably good that my lining didn’t cooperate because I am much more excited now for my upcoming cycle. I also can relate to the “I may need some time off, but I am not certain.” I went through that period with my boss, and now have gone back to not telling her anything. It’s just too strange. I work for a company that, in reality, does not support family. Fortunately, my boss and I work in different locations – so that helps a bit.

    I do believe what your father told you in his dream. It may take longer for you to meet your children, but I hope you do believe that they are out there. I have talked to many, many people and they’ve all said the same thing – they’ve never seen anyone who wanted to become a parent that did not eventually become a parent. Yes, we have to work much harder than most…but when it eventually happens, we’ll cherish every moment.


  3. Cassie
    Mar 08, 2011 @ 11:16:23

    Sorry for being offline for so long – I’m just getting caught up with all my gals.

    I agree with you that your dad is watching out for you, and he is right – you will have your baby.

    I know how you feel about not wanting to go out to Denver again, although I kind of like that little song they play in the train! I’m wishing you all the best with this natural FET and am looking forward to an update.

    I’m also glad that Daisy Mae is doing better – it was nice that you were able to help each other get better!


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