I’m Nervous

I’m nervous.  I’m anxious.  But, I have a little bit of hope.

Tomorrow is transfer day.  We decided on transferring one normal rather than the untested blastocyst.  My DH wanted to go the other way all along.  He thinks this lining is somehow compromised because of the history of the prep (potentially ovulating in the beginning, but then the estrogen must have taken over and shut me down).  He also was leaning towards saving the two normals for a GC.  He figured we have transferred normals before (in cycles where they were not tested) due to the fact I had normals in two cycles and that it never worked. 

I’m of the opinion that this is a stand-out cycle as far as prep.   The lining is nice and thick and my E2 is low.  So, another heart wrenching decision.  I got the call at my friend’s daughter’s (my Godchid) birthday and had to excuse myself.   The heart was pounding, the voice was thin, we went through the plan for transfer and then she asked me how many to thaw and transfer and I said 1 and 1.   She didn’t ask anything more.  I said, “T.onie told me the other day that I needed to let you know today if it was going to be a normal or the untested one, do I need to make that decision now, or can I call you tomorrow morning?” (thinking I’d have one more night to sleep on it)  She said I needed to tell her now.  So, with butterflies in my stomach, I said “a normal”.    Later on DH and I debated on the way home again.  We kept talking even though we were in the driveway, probably for 20 mins or so.  You know how that happens?  It’s like the conversation is so intense you don’t want to move from where you are. 

I’d honestly say that I was only 55% normal, 45% untested.  My thoughts are this.  I’m really not into pursuing a GC.  I like the idea of it and the end result, potentially, but I would be a nervous wreck.  Plus, I have some religious thoughts/beliefs that make me uncomfortable with it.  My Mom would be heartbroken about it.  I know she would love us, and would support us as she does always, but she wouldn’t support us in this venture.   So, I think, if we transfer a normal into a stellar lining, plus throw in Rob.’s Cock.tail, then that is the absolute best we can do.  If it doesn’t work, we will know that it is likely to never work and we can move on knowing that.  If we transferred the untested one now, we will always assume it was the embryo because it can’t be the lining.  We transferred a normal before (one time) and got a BFN.  The RE said it was definitely a uterine problem.  Then we transferred an untested blast and the RE said it was definitely the embryo, not the lining.  So, which is it?  What will he say now if it doesn’t work? 

I feel like I’m chipping away at the rock, looking for that golden nugget, but that I’m running out of rock.  I need to get my head straight.   I need to just give in and let it be and try to think good thoughts.  It’s not in my control.  I will be reading my Ali.ce Do.mar mind/body book on the plane.   I hope the person sitting next to me doesn’t think I’m a freak.  Maybe I should start meditating right there in the seat.  

Thanks for your support and for following me.  I feel like I have a little pazzi wishing me good things from cyberspace.  I hope the same for all of you!


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 07:26:42

    Oh Daisy- I totally get these back and forth feelings you have. I was the exact same with my November transfer. I knew if it didn’t work that I was moving on with a GC, but on the one hand I wanted my best chance, and on the other, I wanted to save the best for option 2. In the end, I went with my gut and transferred my best. I have no regrets about that. It’s what I needed to be able to move on to my next step without wondering what if.

    I am hopeful for your transfer. You did EVERYTHING you could to get ready. Your body/lining is in the best shape and your emotions seem steady and calm. Just know that we are all here thinking of you, standing by you and sending you the most positive vibes for a perfect transfer tomorrow.

    Good luck.


  2. MyTwoLines
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 09:15:50

    I agree with R, you did everything possible to get ready and it really does seem like everything is at it’s absolute best, so I totally get transferring the normal. I cannot wait to hear you get the great news you SO VERY MUCH deserve!


  3. LisainSK
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 10:33:06

    Your rationale is solid. And your decisions UBER-tough! Thinking of you…and good luck tomorrow!


  4. soulshine
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 10:51:29

    with a plush lining like you’ve got now, the addition of the rob’s cocktail, the natural prep- it seems like a perfect time to try one of your normals… give it everything, and hopefully this will be it! and if not you will not have a lingering question about the untested blast.

    i hope you can find some time to relax, get your head straight… at some point in each attempt, there is always the opportunity to separate out what has happened in the past, and focus on the potential of ‘now’.

    i’ll be thinking of you, hoping so hard that the transfer goes smooth and that blast finds it’s sweet spot. safe travels!


  5. Cassie
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 18:43:42

    I think it’s great that you are giving this transfer your all! I’m nervous right along with you, but feel like you’ve done a great job of building a fabulous lining and your chances are even better now with a normal. I’m sending you all kinds of good vibes and hugs. Have a safe trip!


  6. elliej
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 18:47:40

    Thinking of you Daisy. Your decision instinctively feels right to me. Wishing you a wonderful transfer and a very happy result xxx PS I am scheduled to be there next Tuesday for transfer; wishing us both what’s right for us


  7. soulshine
    Mar 22, 2011 @ 11:41:49

    thinking of you today! hope things are going well…


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