A Blog Award – For Me?

                           

Hello everyone.  I am honored to have received a blog award from “our new plan a” (“ebc”) at the following address: http://ournewplana.blogspot.com/

I haven’t been following her blog for long, but I will tell you, from what I’ve seen, this girl is truly special.  She is a knitter and is knitting blankets and donating them to orphanages or to babies born sleeping through an organization she founded….see this post.  http://ournewplana.blogspot.com/2011/04/using-my-addiction-for-good.html  

So, “Thank You”, ournewplana, for noticing my blog, posting your comments, and nominating me for an award!  It made me smile

I am such a novice at blogging (as you can probably tell from the way I put in links to your blog), but I will try to do the best I can to carry out the duties of this nomination!  There are 4 duties: 

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award.

See above.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself. 

Well, here goes…

  1. I’m a huge Dave Matthews Band fan.  Since they took this year off with touring, I’m a bit nervous of a breakup, or of at least a major change.   We go to see them all the time…we’ve even traveled to see them (when they were with the Allman Bros, my DH’s fav band).   I won a photo contest once and got to photograph one of their concerts in NJ.  (oops…this was more than one fact)
  2. I love to garden.  To me, digging in the dirt has better therapeutic value than seeing a shrink or doing hallucinogenic drugs (which I’ve never done…another compond fact…getting my money’s worth out of the 7 facts I am allowed to share).
  3. I love to cook.  I like to try new things.   I was brought up by two great cooks, Mom and Dad.  Ma would do the traditional stuff (mostly italian-american) and Dad would always try new things like different sauces, etc…he was a Juli.a Chil.d fan.  It warms my heart to watch her sometimes because I think it was probably an episode that my Dad watched.
  4. I don’t like eggs.  I wish I did.  They are so good for you, lots of protein and low in calories.  Hmm…wonder if that has impacted my fertility…oh, shush!
  5. My dog Daisy Mae and I are really tight.  I have a post about her…it is here:  https://hoping4family.wordpress.com/2011/02/06/my-best-friend/
  6. I am a Red Sox fan.   They were a favorite to win it all, but they are barely to .500, so that opinion has been a bit challenged. 
  7. I have a love/hate relationship with golf.  I always have a love relationship with it when I’m thinking about playing, but sometimes when I’m actually playing, the hate comes out.  I typically swear like a truck-driver when I miss easy shots or shots that are typically my signature type.  Sometimes I get embarrassed about what comes out of my mouth, but my friends are the same.  I golf with 3-4 other women, all fertiles….but very kind and supportive of my challenges off the course.
  8. I have a sweet tooth.  If there is candy or good stuff in the cupboard, it’s getting eaten.  I have no will power when it comes to this.  I have to not buy it or tell people not to give me any of it.   It’s tough during the holidays…E.aster was no exception. 

3. Award other Bloggers

mynewplana (ebc) offered either The Versatile Blogger award (for 15 ‘recently discovered bloggers’) and the Stylish Blogger award (for 10 – 15 blogs ‘you feel deserve this award’).   I picked the Stylish Blogger award to pay forward because most of my regulars have been around a while.   I’ve set you guys up on my favorites, sometimes I post, sometimes I just read along, but all of you have resonated with me in some way and I appreciate the fact that I can follow your stories as I work through my family making journey.

http://searchingforthemissingpiece.blogspot.com/

http://mytwolines.blogspot.com/

http://www.babystepstomotherhood.com/

http://1eggplease.blogspot.com/

http://findinganewnormal.wordpress.com/

http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

http://trytryagain-cassie.blogspot.com/

http://ivflygirl.blogspot.com/

http://wantedonegoodembryo.blogspot.com/

http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/

4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers and let them know they’ve won! 

Will do this soon, I promise.

Lastly, I still smell like puppy smell.  We dropped my DH’s car off at his friend’s house (not a close friend, but a guy on his hockey team).  This guy is a mechanic for a police dept, but at night he works on the side.  Well, the other thing he does is breed golden retrievers.  When we dropped off the car my DH came over to my car and told me to come meet the guy, but also to come meet the puppies…..well, did my face light up at that moment or what.  We went in there and there were 6 golden puppies all vying for my attention, licking and biting me, jumping up on me, etc.  They had the puppy smell (like wet newspaper mixed with skin and fur with a little light pee aroma) and had puppy breath and everything.  I still think Y.anke.e Cand.le should come up with a “puppy breath” scent.  Anyway, Daisy Mae was wondering what had been going on when we arrived back home.

I said “F-U” to IF

I bet you all know what that means.

I said “F-U” to IF this week.

I had been thinking of having an Ea.ster Egg H.unt at my house for my friends’ kids, but I just didn’t have it in me.  I was feeling so sorry for myself.  I had a rough few days.  It seemed that it was coming at me from all different directions.  I had been working at Amg.en as I am now on assignment there (on loan to them as a full time engineer).  I haven’t seen some of the people there for a few years.  There was a lot of small talk.  Most of the time people talk about their kids and how they are getting bigger.  Then there were some who I hadn’t met before and I had to endure the “so, do you have kids?” question.  Being that it is school vacation week, most people with young kids take the week out.  I was being so hard on myself , telling myself that the only reason I could be there this week was because I didn’t have kids.  I was at my friend’s house (with the 4 kids) earlier in the week.  Her sister and her 3 kids were there, too.  They were all talking about their softball schedule and I just felt totally left out.   Also, a girl at my work told me on Monday that she was pregnant…she said she had the US and the heart was just flickering away.  I asked how far along and she said 9 weeks.  How nice to be able to tell someone you are 9 weeks without fear of m/c.  Ppffft (tongue sticking out sound).

My friend from NY came home this week and we got together on Wed night.  She came to see her parents.  She is a teacher in NY but is from RI.  She is single and has no kids.  Little did she know she was going to be a life saver, so to speak.

We went to dinner and then we came back to my house to watch Am.erica.n Id.ol.  At dinner we talked a little bit about my last cycle, but didn’t dwell on it.  We talked a little about adoption (she wants to write a reference letter for us), but not much.   She really doesn’t have a driving desire to be a mom like I do, but she did express her potential desire if she met the right guy.  I told her she could consider freezing her eggs now (she is 41) for potential in the future, but she was iffy on it.  After talking about that stuff, we just spent the time catching up, talking about her latest potential suitors, her new hair stylist (who does movie stars’ hair for different movies  – Se.x in Th.e Cit.y was one), stuff we are doing around our houses, and my potential change to be a high school chemistry or math teacher.  We had some wine, some laughs, and it was so refreshing!   After, at my house, we talked about a girls weekend we are going to plan for soon in NYC.  

I think from that point, something changed within me, at least temporarily.   I was happier at work yesterday.  I was able to talk to the pregnant girl with no hard feelings.  On the way home from work yesterday, I picked up my phone and called my friend.  I was having that Easte.r Egg Hun.t after all.

We were supposed to have it on Saturday, but since it was going to rain and since I had today out, we did it today.  I filled 85 eggs with dollar bills, coins, candy, mini balls (you know the ones that bounce really high), toe rings (there’s only one boy in the 7), jax sets, mini bowling sets, fun erasers, and some other stuff.   I made up a sheet of rules and a diagram of the locations where the eggs were outside the house, keeping them away from prickly bushes, my roses, and areas where there may be poison ivy.  We had grilled cheeses and some vegetable soup I whipped up this morning.  We ate first so they could fill their bellies, otherwise they’d get sick on candy.  There were 7 kids ranging from 6 to 13.  I made them line up by age, letting the younger ones go for a short while first.  Then they were off.  They had so much fun.  Most of them were hidden in somewhat easy locations, but I made some of them more advanced (like a green egg in a bunch of tulip greens).  They thought they were done, so we came in and the total was 81, so we had to send them out again.  It worked out pretty evenly, with each getting 10-14 eggs.  It was a lot of fun.  I made a memory for them.  I felt like my normal self. 

I know that I will have to face the demons.  I know that the world will crash down on me again.  I know I have work to do.  But, I am proud of myself for saying “F-U” to IF and allowing myself to be myself.  It is so freeing, even if it is short-lived.   I also know that sometimes being with them makes me more aware of just how strongly I want to be a Mom.

My Tuesday WTF

I had a WTF with Dr. Sch last Tuesday.   I’ve been sick as a dog lately and have been hitting the sack early all week.  I think it was from the prednisone and perhaps the complete unraveling of my psyche with this last chemical after a CCS normal was transferred.  I’m slowly getting back to “normal” as far as the sickness goes, but my heart is still hurting.

Well, Dr. Sch thinks that it’s more my uterus than the embryo.  I asked him how often he sees chemicals after a CCS normal blast was transferred and he said it’s not that often.  He said that their miscarriage rate is only 5-6%.   Again, I’m on the bad side of the statistics.  I asked about the fact that my initial beta was good but then dropped if that was an indicator of the root cause and he surprisingly said yes.  He said with that good of an initial beta he would think that the embryo was strong but that there was something about my uterus that didn’t allow it to continue.   He said if I had a low beta it would indicate that the embryo was probably struggling from the beginning.  I asked if it could be placement, bloodflow, the fact that I have a unicornuate uterus, etc., and he said that they just don’t know enough about the uterine environment.  He thinks in the next 10 years they will have much more knowledge in this area…but for me that will be too late. 

He is recommending a gestational carrier.  I asked about my chances with my one normal blast and the one untested one.  He gave me 10%.   With a GC, using what I have, he gave me a 40-50% chance.  He also thinks we should do one more stim cycle to try to get one more normal if we go with a GC.  He thinks this would give me the best odds.   

I asked about the latest research on stim drugs and their link to cancer and he said that the latest is that there is no relationship.  He said by having infertility itself, you are at a greater risk, but the medications have shown to not increase the risk.  This was for ovarian or breast cancer.  I can’t imagine the drugs are good for you, but it somewhat eased my mind  a little. 

I also asked several questions about my eggs/our embryos.  I asked if they could in fact be chromosomally normal but lack the energy (mitochondria) necessary to continue to a baby.  He said that happens with older women, like 43ish, not at my age of 40-41.  He reiterated that he thought it was more of a uterine issue with me.   

He was very personable.  He said he was so happy to hear my initial beta.  Then he was so sad to see what happened.    He even said to call him directly with any more questions. 

Of course, I thought of more questions after we hung up.   I wanted to ask him why I was able to get pregnant, grow a gest. sac, fetal pole, but miscarry due to a chromosomal abnormality, but not be able to have a normal embryo implant and thrive.  I think he would have said that it was because we did ZIFT that time (which would be the closest thing to natural conception) and that my UU worked better with that procedure than with a mechanical transfer into the uterus.  I may still ask this. 

So, I’m confused.  I don’t know what to do.  How many of you really think it’s my uterus vs my embryos?   I have transferred 2 normals in 2 FET’s (one at a time) and had a BFN and this recent chemical.  I have had two chemicals locally before going to C.CRM, one with a 105 as an initial beta then dropping soon after, the other with a slow rising beta that went up and when I went for the US, there was nothing there, I had passed it the week before.    If we go by what happened before, it seems like the second local chemical and the ZIFT were similar, and the ZIFT one was abnormal (chrom testing on prod of conception proved to be chromosomally abn).  But then the one local that had a good beta that didn’t go anywhere, and this recent one, maybe those were normal but not in a good place.  Who knows?  I may never know. 

I just have to try to determine if it’s even worth trying with a GC, the emotional and financial toll will be high.  I am also thinking more and more about adoption and getting that started.  I’ve been reading story upon story about it, as I’ve said in my blog posts before.  I’m very nervous about it and seem to waver back and forth strongly in both directions.  If anyone has any suggestions on readings or links to others blogs who may help me, please let me know.  I’m going to a therapist in a few weeks to try to sort all of this out. 

My best friend has 4 kids.  I’m a Godmother to one of her kids.  She has been thinking about being a GC for us, but isn’t fully comfortable with it.  If she’s not, then I certainly wouldn’t be.  I am like a deer in the headlights with that whole subject. 

I went to her house yesterday for a bit and learned that they all went bowling the night before with her sister and her 3 kids and this new couple they’ve been hanging out with who have 2 kids.  She didn’t tell me, probably because of all we’ve been through lately.   She told me they were just going with her sis’s family.  Well anyway, I asked the kids about who won at bowling and they told me how the teams were made up, etc.  So, I found out that the other family went, too.  I didn’t act like it bothered me, but I have told my friend before that it did bother me…I said that is supposed to be me and DH going with them.  We are so close and I tell her pretty much everything.  My friend is the sweetest, nicest person in the world, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just that even in my safe haven of friends, I have to deal with the isolation and feeling like I just don’t belong, that I’m a freak of nature.  I don’t have any friends IRL that don’t have kids…well, actually, I have one single friend and she doesn’t have kids.  But, even with her, I feel funny because she doesn’t have a husband, so I have to temper what I say, too, about how I feel about DH.  So, in that regard, I understand.  And, of course, I want my friends to freely do what they want, to support their kid’s friendships, etc. 

It’s just so unfair!  We went out to dinner last night after being in the house for 3 weeks most nights.  I couldn’t help but think that here we are again, after having battled through another disappointment.   When will we be able to go to dinner and actually celebrate?!?!?!

Broken

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies on my blog last week. 

I really don’t have anything to say, but I wanted to let you know that I am here and am surviving.  Since I know a few of you commented twice, and since I know a lot of you care, I thought I’d let you know that I am hanging on.  I also wanted you to know that I really appreciate your posts and your kindness. 

I have been endlessly attached to my computer.   If there is a chance of getting cancer from a laptop, I’ll be getting it.  I’ve been reading and reading and reading blogs and boards about IF, transition to adoption, transition to gestational carrier, living childfree, sadness and loneliness that IF creates, adoption in the adoptees eyes (these are really concerning, but revealing), treatments from RPL, etc.  As you can imagine, it’s mind-numbing.  But, it’s what I HAVE TO DO. 

My DH is opposite, much like my Mom.  They get busy when they are under stress.  DH has been playing in a hockey tournament, raking the front lawn, putting down fertilizer/crab grass preventer, washing and folding clothes, working on the boat engines, all the while, popping in to see me on the couch with laptop in hand, giving me a kiss or asking how I am doing from time to time.  I feel so pathetic.  Why can’t I just go dust or iron or do something fun like go outside and get some of my flower beds ready.  I don’t know.  It’s just how I am. 

I did go outside yesterday and scanned the yard for all of spring blooming bulbs I have planted over the last few years.  I thought I’d planted them at the right depths, but some of them seems to have been too deep.  I have some jonquils that are in bloom but only 2″ above the surface.  Most of the rest look good.  Some of my daffodils bloom faster than the others and I don’t know why…especially if they are in locations equally blessed with sunlight.   Some animals have eaten the greens of some of my tulips, but I think they will survive.  I do look forward to them all being in bloom.  That is at least one thing that I have to look forward to.  

Each year at this time I think of what Easter signifies…a New Beginning.  I just don’t know at this point what that will be for us.   Each year I have hoped for a child.  Each year I have thought maybe this will be our year.  Each year I have thought that maybe it will be my last year childless.  But, we will be coming up on another Mother’s Day soon and I just don’t know how I will handle that.  I haven’t been to church for the last two years on that day.  Just can’t bring myself to be there when they ask all the mothers to stand up to receive a special blessing.  

I watched a strange movie yesterday….Mother and Child.  I just happened upon it when flipping through the free on demand stuff.   I haven’t read any reviews on it to see what others thought, but it left me feeling bittersweet.  It’s about three women who’s lives are intertwined: An older woman who gave up her daughter for adoption at 14, the daughter she gave up who is a powerful lawyer but who is emotionally detached, and a woman suffering infertility who’s looking to adopt a child of her own.   Honestly, however, it doesn’t paint a very good picture for adoption.  The underlying tone is that adoption is a break or tear from the natural order and is somewhat catastrophic.  

I’m searching.  Searching for an answer.  Searching for a clear path.   Searching for peace.

For now, this is how I am.  I am feeling very alone and sad….and there is nothing I can do about it.

morning mourning

So true is my last post’s subject.  This is all too familiar.  Is it obligatory that you get up at the wee hours of the morning and your mind races and races and you just need to get it out?  Seems to be for me.  Why can’t I just say f-it and turn over and be back in la-la land.  Could it be that I still have the hormones keeping me awake?  This happened for the last week or so when my body was working to make a baby.  Either it was that or my excitement/ nervousness to see what the pee stick revealed.  Who knows.  All I know is that today’s post is all to familiar.

My breasts aren’t as sore today as they have been.  I was still feeling a little woozy last night.  When is this physical torture going to end?  I have to go see the phlebologist on Monday morning with my tail between my legs because yet again she’ll know that this didn’t work.  Who comes for 3 betas in 6 days?  Then I have to wait all day while trying to keep my mind on work to get the bad news.  No one feels like doing this shit, no one.  CCR.M was so happy to delve out the good news to me 3 days ago, but now they have to figure out what went wrong with me.  I’m the minority statistic that no one wants to deal with.  

What good can come out of this?  Don’t get me wrong with what I’m about to say if you are on the other side.   This makes others who are not in my shoes happy and grateful that they are not in my shoes.  Maybe it will make them count their blessings more and hug their children a little tighter.  The other thing that is good is that it shows that medical science is not perfect and highlights the fact that more research is necessary into the uterine issues that exist.  They’ve seemed to conquer the egg, but haven’t mastered the uterine environment.  They will need to answer the question,”why would a chromosomally normal embryo implant but not continue to grow and thrive?”  Why did my abnormal embryo implant grow a sac, fetal pole, and then not create a baby.  You would think that this normal could have grown a sac and fetal pole.  This is my biggest question.  This embryo was from 2009, too, like the one that I miscarried.  Do I need to believe that an older woman’s embryo, though normal, doesn’t have the metabolic energy to sustain all the transformation that needs to occur?  CC.R.M’s CC.S study says otherwise.  They say it brings hope to those women in their early 40’s if they can find a normal embryo.  Well I did and transferred one twice and have no baby in my arms.  Will they spend their time trying to figure out why or will they say, we’ve helped 70% of them and that is good enough for now.  Will they fight to figure out what is wrong with the other 30%.  I guess if it makes more people do C.CS than that will line their pockets, but my bet is that suckers like me will always be there.

I can’t think of any more good.  Oh yes, well, it helped put food on the table for some of the doctors and nurses that treated me. 

Now, we all know the bad.  But, you don’t know this.  Not as much for DH because his sister has a child, but for me, this is the end of my family genealogy.  Yes, I have one brother.  He is not married and I can’t see that occurring in the future.  He is a good person, but is antisocial, works from home and has had problems in the past with alcohol.  My Mom and Dad had one sister and one brother, respectively.  My Aunt and Uncle from both sides did not have kids with their spouses.  My Aunt (Mom’s sis) tried and tried, but she had blocked tubes and they could only do so much back then.  My Uncle (Dad’s bro) and his wife couldn’t have kids, but they were married around 30 and my Aunt always had medical problems, so it is assumed it was her.  So, I have no first cousins either.  Now, there really is no hope for continuing the family tree.  It get’s stunted.  It will live on as a small tree, low to the ground, while others keep towering over and crowding it.  But, this tree, which I am a part of, is full of pride, happiness, love, caring, compassion, talent, intelligence, craftiness, creativity, humor, fun, musical affinity, athleticism, gratitude, hope, and fight.  I feel horrible that I cannot keep it going.  I feel horrible that I stunted it’s growth.  I feel horrible that we will no longer be someday when we are all gone.  I feel bad I cannot give my living, caring Mom a grandchild.  She so deserves one.  I will post about my Mom separately some day because she is so special to me.  When talking with my Aunt (Mom’s sis), with whom I am very close, she repeatedly tells me over and over again that I cannot think like that.  I cannot put pressure on myself.  It is out of our control.  She would have loved to have kids, and would have made a great Mom.  She is like my second Mom.  She does things for me like my Mom does, always calls to wish me luck with important things, including all my treatments, always sends cards, writes down and sends favorite recipes, has us over for delicious meals, calls when things go bad or good, lends an ear, etc.  At least she had me to do that with.  I have no one to do that with.  I am an Auntie but to my DH’s side.  That is good, but it’s not the same…it doesn’t make our tree grow. 

(As an aside, my SIL had been pregnant again – remember that mad post about how she told me – but the baby was going to have a severe form of mosaic downs so she decided she wasn’t having it, at 19 weeks.  I felt so bad.  I talked to her long and hard about what to do, really I mostly listened.  The conversation we had brought us closer.  I found out that all the feelings she had were just like all the IF, but hers was sugar-coated with the fact that she has this amazingly beautiful and smart son already.  So, I do feel very very bad, but it’s not rock bottom bad like me.  I will be deleting my post called “Furious”.)

I could go on and on.  I know it’s therapeutic and cathartic to write down your thoughts when going through something so devastating.  I know that it could be worse.  I could have carried this baby until the 2nd trimester and had my UU run out of room and had a miscarriage.  That would have been so much worse.  But, I know about the UU and probably would have been put on bedrest.  But, who knows, maybe the Man upstairs spared me of a tragic ending.  Maybe that is the reason that none of this is working.  My Mom and Aunt fully believe it’s in God’s hands and that I should pray about what to do next.  I wish my Dad were here.  He always had crystal clear advice that always made sense to me and I would always seem to want follow it.  I know that he would have been great support through all of this.  His brother, my Uncle, is also great and is like a second Dad to us.  He is also full of good advice. 

I guess I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring family.  I couldn’t ask for a better DH.  I am going to need every bit of them and my friends and all of you to help me get through this.  I am going to need a lot of support.  I also offer support to others, but it will be a little while before I have anything to give. 

It sucks to be a Virgo.  We analyze and stress about everything.  My mind is heavily analytical, being an engineer and all.  I am also driven, driven to succeed, do the right thing, work hard to get what I want.  It’s tough to keep trying and still the answer is no.  I’ve tried my darndest to figure out why things aren’t working out with treatment.  I’ve read studies, reviewed my results, done an if/then type analysis, and feel that I’ve done better than I would have done just listening to the doctors.  I did get that freakin awesome lining, right….and it was my idea to try it without lupron and without bcp’s and to go another week because my receptors were more accepting of the estrogen because they weren’t suppressed by the lupron or bcp’s.  Sometimes, in all of this, you lose sight of the goal, and that goal is to have a baby nestled between your neck and shoulder with that sweet smell and touch that is unique and unparalleled.  

Sometimes you can’t have a black or white answer, and to someone like me, that is very very difficult to take.  Because there has to be a reason.  There has to be a reason.  Something failed.  Why didn’t my placenta continue to grow and nourish the baby, why didn’t the baby thrive, is my uterus just a dark and infertile ground.   It will be hard for me to accept that we will probably never ever know.  I guess 10 years from now they will know more, just like they know more today than they did when my Aunt was trying, when they didn’t have IVF.  That would have saved her.  Heck, she was married at 18, even 10 years into marriage she was only 28.   She would have succeeded.    I can see me being 70 years old reading the paper and shaking my head at the advancements they have made and wishing it was available to me when I was trying.  I hope that it won’t be too hard for me to take.

So, what do I do today.  I am going to try to only worry about today.  Right now is all I can do.  I’m haunted by my past and daunted by my future.  I am sick and tired and the cramps are getting intense.  Today’s goal will be to eat better than yesterday to nourish my body.   I think that may be all that I can accomplish.

All Too Familiar

Well, I guess this isn’t going to turn into a success story.

My beta was lower today than on Thursday.  It was 65.3.    P4 was 14.

I could tell.  I had some spotting, but the main telltale sign was my lighter hpt today.  I know that sometimes that happens (based on your comments), but it didn’t go that way for me unfortunately.  My breasts are still sore and I’m tired. 

I have to go on Monday for another test to confirm that it is still dropping.  The nurse said to call if I get heavy bleeding.

How could you get a chemical with a CGH normal embryo?  This is like a nasty slap in the face.  Worse than a BFN after a CGH normal transfer (which I’ve had also). 

I let myself think some good thoughts for a few minutes here and there.  Boy were those thoughts good.  What a treat to be able to possibly go to the other side.  It felt so good.  I had a little extra umph in my step when I was thinking positively.  I am so heartbroken.  I haven’t cried yet.  But, I know I will.   

DH will be coming home to comfort me soon.   I called and told him.   It is our 6th Anniversary today.  He got me a cast iron pan filled with miscellaneous candy (no chocolate because of my supposed condition) and white gold amethyst earrings.  All are traditional for 6 yrs.  He is awesome.  I took pictures of how he presented it because I was going to post them if I got good news.  I had already though of my post in my mind.  I also had thoughts of the not so good post to write.  Unfortunately, the worst came true. 

Since I transferred only one, there is no chance for a vanishing twin.  I’m out.  I can’t believe it after all we did to get here with my awesome lining prep, Rob’s Cocktail, etc. 

I was walking with my Mom and the dogs today and had a bad gut feeling (probably from the hpt).  I was thinking that I really should be beyond where I am.  I really should be a Mom by now and be several years into it.  I don’t know if I have it in me to consider a GC with my remaining embryos.   I need to move forward on another path.  How many times can you let infertility laugh at you.  I actually feel embarrassed about this not working out, especially this time.

Guys, I’m getting worse as I type this.   Now I feel that the cramps are on their way.  We have dinner plans tonight with my best friend and her husband.  We are also supposed to go to a comedy show.   I don’t know what to do.  I haven’t called anyone yet (Mom or friend).  They are also going to be heartbroken. 

Why should we have thought anything else?