All Too Familiar

Well, I guess this isn’t going to turn into a success story.

My beta was lower today than on Thursday.  It was 65.3.    P4 was 14.

I could tell.  I had some spotting, but the main telltale sign was my lighter hpt today.  I know that sometimes that happens (based on your comments), but it didn’t go that way for me unfortunately.  My breasts are still sore and I’m tired. 

I have to go on Monday for another test to confirm that it is still dropping.  The nurse said to call if I get heavy bleeding.

How could you get a chemical with a CGH normal embryo?  This is like a nasty slap in the face.  Worse than a BFN after a CGH normal transfer (which I’ve had also). 

I let myself think some good thoughts for a few minutes here and there.  Boy were those thoughts good.  What a treat to be able to possibly go to the other side.  It felt so good.  I had a little extra umph in my step when I was thinking positively.  I am so heartbroken.  I haven’t cried yet.  But, I know I will.   

DH will be coming home to comfort me soon.   I called and told him.   It is our 6th Anniversary today.  He got me a cast iron pan filled with miscellaneous candy (no chocolate because of my supposed condition) and white gold amethyst earrings.  All are traditional for 6 yrs.  He is awesome.  I took pictures of how he presented it because I was going to post them if I got good news.  I had already though of my post in my mind.  I also had thoughts of the not so good post to write.  Unfortunately, the worst came true. 

Since I transferred only one, there is no chance for a vanishing twin.  I’m out.  I can’t believe it after all we did to get here with my awesome lining prep, Rob’s Cocktail, etc. 

I was walking with my Mom and the dogs today and had a bad gut feeling (probably from the hpt).  I was thinking that I really should be beyond where I am.  I really should be a Mom by now and be several years into it.  I don’t know if I have it in me to consider a GC with my remaining embryos.   I need to move forward on another path.  How many times can you let infertility laugh at you.  I actually feel embarrassed about this not working out, especially this time.

Guys, I’m getting worse as I type this.   Now I feel that the cramps are on their way.  We have dinner plans tonight with my best friend and her husband.  We are also supposed to go to a comedy show.   I don’t know what to do.  I haven’t called anyone yet (Mom or friend).  They are also going to be heartbroken. 

Why should we have thought anything else?


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 14:31:15

    Oh Daisy – I’m so sorry. This just sucks and is so unfair. My heart is breaking for your pain. It will get easier – I have been where you are and it will get easier. Thinking of you.

    Your DH is so sweet, I hope despite this shitty news you find some way to celebrate 6 years, we didn’t last year and I regret that.


  2. elliej
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 15:18:46

    I am devastated for you. This is beyond unfair. It should have been your time. The universe should be embarrassed, not you. You’re right, you should be several years into parenting, not dealing with this sh*t. Am shaking a fist at the universe and wishing you healing


  3. hoping4family
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 15:31:31

    elliej – thanks for posting. i just want to wish you luck with your cycle!!!


  4. elliej
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 15:39:44

    Thanks DM, will let you know how I go. Am just so sorry for your news. I know you and your DH will make wonderful, special, life-affirming parents in whatever shape parenthood comes to you – those qualities shine through your blog. But in the meantime, am wishing you all that is possibly good


  5. soulshine
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 15:56:42

    omg, i am so mad and sorry for this to happen to you! i can feel all of the emotions in every word you wrote… it just makes me so disappointed with life in general, this IF is so unfair and hurtful, i was so hoping that this would be it for you.

    i hope you can cancel your plans, that sounds like torture. i think you need a good hot cry. so unfair! god i am so mad for you right now! literally, i feel sick about it.

    please don’t allow that embarrassment or self-blame to sneak in. you did nothing wrong- this is just cruel and has nothing to do with your worth as a person or deservedness to be a parent. its too soon to know how to proceed, but i know that that time will come and you will feel secure in a new plan. but for now, i am crying with you.

    what a terrible overlap with your anniversary- really, i hope you can either cancel your plans or find a way to numb yourself to get thru the night. will be thinking of you.


  6. MyTwoLines
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 16:02:19

    Gosh I’m just gutted for you. This is so f’ing unfair and there are no words. Sending you hugs.


  7. Patience
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 16:22:23

    Oh my dear, I have been away and am just now catching up. I am so very sorry. I’ve been there, and I know that there is just no words of comfort. Somehow knowing I wasn’t alone was a help to me. You are not alone. It’s so hard to understand why some of us don’t get the happy ending with our CGH normal embryos. Sending you huge hugs my friend. Please don’t hesitate to email if you need to vent.


  8. Babydreams
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 16:55:01

    So sorry to hear that. My heart breaking for you. So cruel and unfair. It’s all too familiar to me too. I have been there three times. First positive beta call makes us dream about our future and second call shatters our hearts…..
    This should’ve happen damn it…. Should’ve happen….So not fair….
    It might be all blue and dark for you right now,but i do belive it always works out at the end !!!!
    You will get there, you will be a Mother! You already are!!!
    Just don’t give up!!
    Maybe it’s a good idea to go out and take things off of your mind!!! Crying could wait ….. Forever…….
    I feel your pain! Big hugs!


  9. hoping4family
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 22:37:10

    Thanks for all of your support; it means a lot to me. I’m really not doing well, guys. To me, this is hugely bad. It was our best possible chance with a normal embryo in my well prepped uterus with a cocktail to keep me from rejecting the embryos. This is the best it can get. So, it means that it will never work….ever. I have to eat that sandwich and it is dry and disgusting and I’m not even getting milk to wash it down. Life is unfair to some of us and we’ll never really know why. I’m sure I’ll be posting some emotional posts over the coming weeks.


  10. LisainSK
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 22:39:01

    Oh no!…no!! Ugh…I just feel so angry…so sad?!! Daisy there are no words. I feel terrible for sending you such hope and then having it turn on you. So not fair…not at all. Big big hugs…wishing you strength as you decide on your next steps…


  11. MangyMutt
    Apr 02, 2011 @ 22:43:24

    Heartbroken for you… I’m so, so, so sorry.


  12. PBJmom
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 10:40:21

    Oh no. I am so, so sorry. I was really hoping this was it for you. It’s so unfair.


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