morning mourning

So true is my last post’s subject.  This is all too familiar.  Is it obligatory that you get up at the wee hours of the morning and your mind races and races and you just need to get it out?  Seems to be for me.  Why can’t I just say f-it and turn over and be back in la-la land.  Could it be that I still have the hormones keeping me awake?  This happened for the last week or so when my body was working to make a baby.  Either it was that or my excitement/ nervousness to see what the pee stick revealed.  Who knows.  All I know is that today’s post is all to familiar.

My breasts aren’t as sore today as they have been.  I was still feeling a little woozy last night.  When is this physical torture going to end?  I have to go see the phlebologist on Monday morning with my tail between my legs because yet again she’ll know that this didn’t work.  Who comes for 3 betas in 6 days?  Then I have to wait all day while trying to keep my mind on work to get the bad news.  No one feels like doing this shit, no one.  CCR.M was so happy to delve out the good news to me 3 days ago, but now they have to figure out what went wrong with me.  I’m the minority statistic that no one wants to deal with.  

What good can come out of this?  Don’t get me wrong with what I’m about to say if you are on the other side.   This makes others who are not in my shoes happy and grateful that they are not in my shoes.  Maybe it will make them count their blessings more and hug their children a little tighter.  The other thing that is good is that it shows that medical science is not perfect and highlights the fact that more research is necessary into the uterine issues that exist.  They’ve seemed to conquer the egg, but haven’t mastered the uterine environment.  They will need to answer the question,”why would a chromosomally normal embryo implant but not continue to grow and thrive?”  Why did my abnormal embryo implant grow a sac, fetal pole, and then not create a baby.  You would think that this normal could have grown a sac and fetal pole.  This is my biggest question.  This embryo was from 2009, too, like the one that I miscarried.  Do I need to believe that an older woman’s embryo, though normal, doesn’t have the metabolic energy to sustain all the transformation that needs to occur?  CC.R.M’s CC.S study says otherwise.  They say it brings hope to those women in their early 40’s if they can find a normal embryo.  Well I did and transferred one twice and have no baby in my arms.  Will they spend their time trying to figure out why or will they say, we’ve helped 70% of them and that is good enough for now.  Will they fight to figure out what is wrong with the other 30%.  I guess if it makes more people do C.CS than that will line their pockets, but my bet is that suckers like me will always be there.

I can’t think of any more good.  Oh yes, well, it helped put food on the table for some of the doctors and nurses that treated me. 

Now, we all know the bad.  But, you don’t know this.  Not as much for DH because his sister has a child, but for me, this is the end of my family genealogy.  Yes, I have one brother.  He is not married and I can’t see that occurring in the future.  He is a good person, but is antisocial, works from home and has had problems in the past with alcohol.  My Mom and Dad had one sister and one brother, respectively.  My Aunt and Uncle from both sides did not have kids with their spouses.  My Aunt (Mom’s sis) tried and tried, but she had blocked tubes and they could only do so much back then.  My Uncle (Dad’s bro) and his wife couldn’t have kids, but they were married around 30 and my Aunt always had medical problems, so it is assumed it was her.  So, I have no first cousins either.  Now, there really is no hope for continuing the family tree.  It get’s stunted.  It will live on as a small tree, low to the ground, while others keep towering over and crowding it.  But, this tree, which I am a part of, is full of pride, happiness, love, caring, compassion, talent, intelligence, craftiness, creativity, humor, fun, musical affinity, athleticism, gratitude, hope, and fight.  I feel horrible that I cannot keep it going.  I feel horrible that I stunted it’s growth.  I feel horrible that we will no longer be someday when we are all gone.  I feel bad I cannot give my living, caring Mom a grandchild.  She so deserves one.  I will post about my Mom separately some day because she is so special to me.  When talking with my Aunt (Mom’s sis), with whom I am very close, she repeatedly tells me over and over again that I cannot think like that.  I cannot put pressure on myself.  It is out of our control.  She would have loved to have kids, and would have made a great Mom.  She is like my second Mom.  She does things for me like my Mom does, always calls to wish me luck with important things, including all my treatments, always sends cards, writes down and sends favorite recipes, has us over for delicious meals, calls when things go bad or good, lends an ear, etc.  At least she had me to do that with.  I have no one to do that with.  I am an Auntie but to my DH’s side.  That is good, but it’s not the same…it doesn’t make our tree grow. 

(As an aside, my SIL had been pregnant again – remember that mad post about how she told me – but the baby was going to have a severe form of mosaic downs so she decided she wasn’t having it, at 19 weeks.  I felt so bad.  I talked to her long and hard about what to do, really I mostly listened.  The conversation we had brought us closer.  I found out that all the feelings she had were just like all the IF, but hers was sugar-coated with the fact that she has this amazingly beautiful and smart son already.  So, I do feel very very bad, but it’s not rock bottom bad like me.  I will be deleting my post called “Furious”.)

I could go on and on.  I know it’s therapeutic and cathartic to write down your thoughts when going through something so devastating.  I know that it could be worse.  I could have carried this baby until the 2nd trimester and had my UU run out of room and had a miscarriage.  That would have been so much worse.  But, I know about the UU and probably would have been put on bedrest.  But, who knows, maybe the Man upstairs spared me of a tragic ending.  Maybe that is the reason that none of this is working.  My Mom and Aunt fully believe it’s in God’s hands and that I should pray about what to do next.  I wish my Dad were here.  He always had crystal clear advice that always made sense to me and I would always seem to want follow it.  I know that he would have been great support through all of this.  His brother, my Uncle, is also great and is like a second Dad to us.  He is also full of good advice. 

I guess I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring family.  I couldn’t ask for a better DH.  I am going to need every bit of them and my friends and all of you to help me get through this.  I am going to need a lot of support.  I also offer support to others, but it will be a little while before I have anything to give. 

It sucks to be a Virgo.  We analyze and stress about everything.  My mind is heavily analytical, being an engineer and all.  I am also driven, driven to succeed, do the right thing, work hard to get what I want.  It’s tough to keep trying and still the answer is no.  I’ve tried my darndest to figure out why things aren’t working out with treatment.  I’ve read studies, reviewed my results, done an if/then type analysis, and feel that I’ve done better than I would have done just listening to the doctors.  I did get that freakin awesome lining, right….and it was my idea to try it without lupron and without bcp’s and to go another week because my receptors were more accepting of the estrogen because they weren’t suppressed by the lupron or bcp’s.  Sometimes, in all of this, you lose sight of the goal, and that goal is to have a baby nestled between your neck and shoulder with that sweet smell and touch that is unique and unparalleled.  

Sometimes you can’t have a black or white answer, and to someone like me, that is very very difficult to take.  Because there has to be a reason.  There has to be a reason.  Something failed.  Why didn’t my placenta continue to grow and nourish the baby, why didn’t the baby thrive, is my uterus just a dark and infertile ground.   It will be hard for me to accept that we will probably never ever know.  I guess 10 years from now they will know more, just like they know more today than they did when my Aunt was trying, when they didn’t have IVF.  That would have saved her.  Heck, she was married at 18, even 10 years into marriage she was only 28.   She would have succeeded.    I can see me being 70 years old reading the paper and shaking my head at the advancements they have made and wishing it was available to me when I was trying.  I hope that it won’t be too hard for me to take.

So, what do I do today.  I am going to try to only worry about today.  Right now is all I can do.  I’m haunted by my past and daunted by my future.  I am sick and tired and the cramps are getting intense.  Today’s goal will be to eat better than yesterday to nourish my body.   I think that may be all that I can accomplish.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. soulshine
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 10:07:36

    i think it is great for you to ‘write it out’. i will be here to read,
    but i have nothing useful to say. i am so sad and have no answers, i wish there was something more i could offer, a way to change the outcome, a solution.

    i’ll be thinking of you.

    Reply

  2. Flygirl555
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 10:22:07

    I was away from my computer yesterday and am just now catching up.

    My hopes were so high for us to go through a successful pregnancy together and words don’t seem to be enough to express my disappointment and sadness.

    We are here for you during this difficult time….

    Reply

  3. PBJmom
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 10:53:18

    I wish I had something helpful to say. I am sending you hugs and thinking of you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish there were answers.

    Reply

  4. Patience
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 14:43:48

    I am so very sorry. I know that writing it all out has always been very therapeutic for me, and I hope that you find the same. I hope that someday that they do find the answer for those of us with uterine/implantation issues. I also wonder how I will react reading about the advancements years from now that could have helped me. I do hope that I am able to look back and be thankful for all that my life has given me, but right now that is a hard thing to swallow.

    My heart goes out to you, my friend.

    Reply

  5. Cassie
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 18:12:36

    I am so sorry. As Soulshine said, there are no words to make you feel better. But being able to vent to your heart’s content is really important.

    In terms of your family tree, your pain really resonated with me. As you may recall, my own mother died when I was young and I had always dreamed of having a baby (girl, even!) to carry on her genes, especially since I look so much like her. Making the decision to use donor eggs was especially hard for me for that reason. But I had to come to terms with it, and realize that we make our baby into who they are not just by our genes, but the way that we raise them. Of course it is the whole nature vs. nurture argument. I don’t know if you want to hear this, and maybe you have reasons for not wanting to pursue other paths, but you can still give your sweet mother a grandchild. There are many, many ways. I hope that you won’t feel that you have exhausted all your options. Yes, your uterus may be out. Your eggs may be out. But you, as a mother, are definitely not out of the game by a long shot. You have so much wisdom and love to give, and I can only hope that you will find a way to give it.

    Big, big hugs!

    Reply

  6. Kelley
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 18:49:22

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.

    Reply

  7. Babydreams
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 18:52:34

    You’ve been in my thought all day and I am still hurting for you as it was my own cycle… It’s painful! I know!
    But I think you are VERY strong!
    To have to go through this rough time and still write and keeping us posted!!
    I remember how I felt when my beta dropped after my first beta of 109!!!!! My heart died!!!
    But it got easier everyday!!!
    I want to thank you for giving us the time to write…. at the difficult time like this!!!!

    I wish nothing but the BEST for you and your DH….

    Keep the faith…. Miracles could happen!!!

    Big hugs…..

    Reply

  8. MyTwoLines
    Apr 03, 2011 @ 20:00:59

    Oh I’m so sad for you as I read this post. I have felt so many of these feelings, I never got as far as to have good enough embryos to even test, and I can only imagine the heartache of a normal embryo not implanting. None of it is fair.

    Your words about the family tree resonated with me. I can only tell you how I feel personally, but genetics no longer mean anything to me. I have nestled two babies in between my neck and shoulder and those babies had no connection to me other than the fact that I love them wholly and fully and completely and they don’t even know me yet, but I had yearned for them for so long and they just fit in that space completely. And I could have cared less that I had no part in creating them or that I did not have a pregnancy with them. I just felt peace and happiness. What I want for you is that same feeling, no matter how you get there.

    Thinking of you. Always here for you.

    Reply

  9. soulshine
    Apr 04, 2011 @ 11:44:21

    thinking of you today, daisysmom…
    i think worrying about one day at a time is a great plan, and to try and be good to your body and mind. i hope you got some good love and support from your mom and husband… and daisy. we all care for you!

    Reply

  10. elliej
    Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:53:38

    Hi Daisy’sMom, just checking in to send you hugs. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Daisy’sMom)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    I am so, so sad for you and for what you’re going through right now. I also feel very strongly that some day I will be reading a different post from you about how motherhood has happened for you. There are too many of those qualities you refer to in your blog for you not to be a Mom. But I am beyond sorry that this is not happening for you right now (or before now) and that instead you have to deal with these wounds that we know and the dark place that we know too. Please know that you are not alone there. Sending my heartfelt support xxxx

    Reply

  11. Babydreams
    Apr 07, 2011 @ 14:00:02

    Hi Daisy’s mom, I hope it’s all getting better for you! You have been in my prayers!!!
    God bless you and your family!

    Reply

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