Broken

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies on my blog last week. 

I really don’t have anything to say, but I wanted to let you know that I am here and am surviving.  Since I know a few of you commented twice, and since I know a lot of you care, I thought I’d let you know that I am hanging on.  I also wanted you to know that I really appreciate your posts and your kindness. 

I have been endlessly attached to my computer.   If there is a chance of getting cancer from a laptop, I’ll be getting it.  I’ve been reading and reading and reading blogs and boards about IF, transition to adoption, transition to gestational carrier, living childfree, sadness and loneliness that IF creates, adoption in the adoptees eyes (these are really concerning, but revealing), treatments from RPL, etc.  As you can imagine, it’s mind-numbing.  But, it’s what I HAVE TO DO. 

My DH is opposite, much like my Mom.  They get busy when they are under stress.  DH has been playing in a hockey tournament, raking the front lawn, putting down fertilizer/crab grass preventer, washing and folding clothes, working on the boat engines, all the while, popping in to see me on the couch with laptop in hand, giving me a kiss or asking how I am doing from time to time.  I feel so pathetic.  Why can’t I just go dust or iron or do something fun like go outside and get some of my flower beds ready.  I don’t know.  It’s just how I am. 

I did go outside yesterday and scanned the yard for all of spring blooming bulbs I have planted over the last few years.  I thought I’d planted them at the right depths, but some of them seems to have been too deep.  I have some jonquils that are in bloom but only 2″ above the surface.  Most of the rest look good.  Some of my daffodils bloom faster than the others and I don’t know why…especially if they are in locations equally blessed with sunlight.   Some animals have eaten the greens of some of my tulips, but I think they will survive.  I do look forward to them all being in bloom.  That is at least one thing that I have to look forward to.  

Each year at this time I think of what Easter signifies…a New Beginning.  I just don’t know at this point what that will be for us.   Each year I have hoped for a child.  Each year I have thought maybe this will be our year.  Each year I have thought that maybe it will be my last year childless.  But, we will be coming up on another Mother’s Day soon and I just don’t know how I will handle that.  I haven’t been to church for the last two years on that day.  Just can’t bring myself to be there when they ask all the mothers to stand up to receive a special blessing.  

I watched a strange movie yesterday….Mother and Child.  I just happened upon it when flipping through the free on demand stuff.   I haven’t read any reviews on it to see what others thought, but it left me feeling bittersweet.  It’s about three women who’s lives are intertwined: An older woman who gave up her daughter for adoption at 14, the daughter she gave up who is a powerful lawyer but who is emotionally detached, and a woman suffering infertility who’s looking to adopt a child of her own.   Honestly, however, it doesn’t paint a very good picture for adoption.  The underlying tone is that adoption is a break or tear from the natural order and is somewhat catastrophic.  

I’m searching.  Searching for an answer.  Searching for a clear path.   Searching for peace.

For now, this is how I am.  I am feeling very alone and sad….and there is nothing I can do about it.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. flygirl
    Apr 10, 2011 @ 15:05:38

    Oh Hoping, I could have written this post myself one short month ago. My heart goes out to you!

    I also have a computer addiction. In fact, my husband commented it on it the other day and I bit my tongue instead of saying “I spend hours in front of the computer, but you spend hours in front of the TV. Same thing, isn’t it?” Instead, I just said “You’re right, I should try to reduce my computer time.” Makes for a happy marriage!

    I did see “Mother and Child” when it came to the theaters and agree that it was an interesting story, but very unrealistic. Part of me wishes there would have been a prequel on the couple going throug IF that portrayed what happened before they made the decision to turn to adoption.

    Sending hugs of support your way!

    Reply

  2. LisainSK
    Apr 10, 2011 @ 16:12:07

    Daisy…somehow I missed your last post. I just read it. Although you know I am blessed to be pregnant via DE, I can totally relate to your feelings of defeat knowing that your family’s genes stops with you. I remember those early days upon my diagnosis (again lucky…at least I know why) and they were absolutely awful. EXACTLY like you are feeling now. I remember being just like you (my background/training is also engineering) and constantly reading online trying to find out which path to take. DH and I were so far apart and yet so close. It was truly terrible. I think like you, I NEEDED to obsessively delve into the next phase of our journey. We even bought another laptop so that I could have full use of our desk top. But what you are doing is very much necessary. We’re trying to fix what’s broken…us analytical types are like that….whether that’s through adoption, childfree, surrogacy, etc. I vividly remember the fear of the unknown and the extreme grief of what was lost. Just know this…everyday…every single day…is one step closer to your decision. Its going to be hell but cry when you want to and celebrate the times when you do start to feel normal again even if its just for a few hours. Hugs to you Daisy…none of this is easy.

    Reply

  3. soulshine
    Apr 10, 2011 @ 18:56:22

    i think a lot of us spend enormous amounts of time online doing exactly what you described… getting lost in the vast vortex of information and stories online seems right when you are feeling like a vast vortex of confusion and pain. it helps. i think i have said to my husband out loud what flygirl was able to bite her tongue about- we all have our ways of dealing with this kind of disappointment and not knowing what to do- if being on the computer helps you, if keeping busy helps your husband, whatever it takes. give yourself permission to do what makes you feel best in this regard- you need that.

    i also have measured this journey in years, watching leaves come into bud, then turn colors and fall, always thinking ‘maybe this time next year…’, or remembering painfully the last year when i hoped that something would have changed by then, but it hadn’t. i really am feeling your pain with you, daisysmom. i wish i could say ‘it will happen’, but i know when people told me that same thing, i thought ‘how do you know?!!’. you have such a desire, such love, such longing for a child, all i can think is that there must be a way to channel that into the best outcome for you. the not knowing, the changing paths, that is the worst part of it. my heart really is with you now.

    Reply

  4. Cassie
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 10:18:03

    I am exactly the same as you when things get bad – desperately searching the internet for anything to help me make sense of things, or to get going on my next plan. My DH would get a little upset with me, telling me I needed to give it a rest for a while, but I would stay online for hours until I was bleary-eyed. So I totally get it. You do what you have to do.

    I’m jealous of all your bulbs coming up in the yard. I love them all, especially daffodils. We don’t have a yard of course, but yesterday went for a little walk in the neighborhood, including a community garden with lots of bulbs coming up.

    I hope that you will begin to find some relief and solace as spring starts to bloom this year. It may not be the spring that you hoped for, but it is a new beginning for you as you find your new path. I’m here for you, and so is DH – he keeps asking about how you are doing. We are sending you all our best wishes.

    Reply

  5. R
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 19:14:15

    Daisy- I could have and have written this post many times. Failing IVF with OE at CC.RM at 30 was DEVASTATING. Failing IVF with DE at CC.RM twice was worse. Learning to accept the GC was difficult, but with each step, it was the support from you and others that helped me get through it.

    I know you feel broken, unsure of your path, and alone right now. I am sorry. Please just know that we are all here, supporting you and standing by you.

    Reply

  6. Babydreams
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 20:22:47

    Uh the picture!! That’s me now!! I am so sorry you feel this way… Not easy. No words can make us feel better except for time…feels like there is a big whole in our heart…
    We should be thankful for our husbands love and support. My husband was there with me every second helping me to deal with the pain untill i got back on my feet!

    Daisy’smom, hang in there …don’t give up!!!

    Big hugs xoxo

    Reply

  7. MyTwoLines
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 21:18:35

    I’m so sorry. You can only feel what you feel and go through grief the way you need to go through it.
    I did tons of research too. You’re right–adoption is a break in the natural order of things. If I could do anything I would unite my babies with their birth families because that is what they deserve…but ultimately it is simply not possible. I hate that they have that tremendous loss. And of course DEs is also a break in the natural order of things. The problem with IF is that most of the “solutions” to IF is a break in the natural order of things. But so is living child free for many. It’s all so hard and I think what any of us can do is just navigate the best we can, research and read and make the best choices we can with the information we have, and put one foot in front of the other.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Reply

  8. ebc
    Apr 12, 2011 @ 14:12:32

    hi back from another uu. thanks for your comment on my blog. there aren’t a lot of uu’s out there, at least in the blog world, in combination with an ivf veteran, so in a misery loves company kinda way, nice to meet you. hope we both can figure out the next step.

    Reply

  9. soulshine
    Apr 16, 2011 @ 12:40:04

    thinking of you… i hope you are hanging in there.

    Reply

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