I said “F-U” to IF

I bet you all know what that means.

I said “F-U” to IF this week.

I had been thinking of having an Ea.ster Egg H.unt at my house for my friends’ kids, but I just didn’t have it in me.  I was feeling so sorry for myself.  I had a rough few days.  It seemed that it was coming at me from all different directions.  I had been working at Amg.en as I am now on assignment there (on loan to them as a full time engineer).  I haven’t seen some of the people there for a few years.  There was a lot of small talk.  Most of the time people talk about their kids and how they are getting bigger.  Then there were some who I hadn’t met before and I had to endure the “so, do you have kids?” question.  Being that it is school vacation week, most people with young kids take the week out.  I was being so hard on myself , telling myself that the only reason I could be there this week was because I didn’t have kids.  I was at my friend’s house (with the 4 kids) earlier in the week.  Her sister and her 3 kids were there, too.  They were all talking about their softball schedule and I just felt totally left out.   Also, a girl at my work told me on Monday that she was pregnant…she said she had the US and the heart was just flickering away.  I asked how far along and she said 9 weeks.  How nice to be able to tell someone you are 9 weeks without fear of m/c.  Ppffft (tongue sticking out sound).

My friend from NY came home this week and we got together on Wed night.  She came to see her parents.  She is a teacher in NY but is from RI.  She is single and has no kids.  Little did she know she was going to be a life saver, so to speak.

We went to dinner and then we came back to my house to watch Am.erica.n Id.ol.  At dinner we talked a little bit about my last cycle, but didn’t dwell on it.  We talked a little about adoption (she wants to write a reference letter for us), but not much.   She really doesn’t have a driving desire to be a mom like I do, but she did express her potential desire if she met the right guy.  I told her she could consider freezing her eggs now (she is 41) for potential in the future, but she was iffy on it.  After talking about that stuff, we just spent the time catching up, talking about her latest potential suitors, her new hair stylist (who does movie stars’ hair for different movies  – Se.x in Th.e Cit.y was one), stuff we are doing around our houses, and my potential change to be a high school chemistry or math teacher.  We had some wine, some laughs, and it was so refreshing!   After, at my house, we talked about a girls weekend we are going to plan for soon in NYC.  

I think from that point, something changed within me, at least temporarily.   I was happier at work yesterday.  I was able to talk to the pregnant girl with no hard feelings.  On the way home from work yesterday, I picked up my phone and called my friend.  I was having that Easte.r Egg Hun.t after all.

We were supposed to have it on Saturday, but since it was going to rain and since I had today out, we did it today.  I filled 85 eggs with dollar bills, coins, candy, mini balls (you know the ones that bounce really high), toe rings (there’s only one boy in the 7), jax sets, mini bowling sets, fun erasers, and some other stuff.   I made up a sheet of rules and a diagram of the locations where the eggs were outside the house, keeping them away from prickly bushes, my roses, and areas where there may be poison ivy.  We had grilled cheeses and some vegetable soup I whipped up this morning.  We ate first so they could fill their bellies, otherwise they’d get sick on candy.  There were 7 kids ranging from 6 to 13.  I made them line up by age, letting the younger ones go for a short while first.  Then they were off.  They had so much fun.  Most of them were hidden in somewhat easy locations, but I made some of them more advanced (like a green egg in a bunch of tulip greens).  They thought they were done, so we came in and the total was 81, so we had to send them out again.  It worked out pretty evenly, with each getting 10-14 eggs.  It was a lot of fun.  I made a memory for them.  I felt like my normal self. 

I know that I will have to face the demons.  I know that the world will crash down on me again.  I know I have work to do.  But, I am proud of myself for saying “F-U” to IF and allowing myself to be myself.  It is so freeing, even if it is short-lived.   I also know that sometimes being with them makes me more aware of just how strongly I want to be a Mom.