My Prayer

Mama robin gave up on the nest, pretty much the day after the crow came and took three of the eggs.  We left the last egg in there hoping she’d come back, but she didn’t.  I guess that’s the natural order of things.  The mama goes on to nest somewhere else.  Such is nature, such is life, right. 

I went to NY to visit a friend last weekend.  We went to Sw.eet Rev.enge in NYC – it was deeelish!  Here’s my raspberry red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting paired with a raspberry sparkling wine.  I’m still having taste flashbacks.

Anyway, on the way up there I listened to a guid.ed imagery CD by Belle.rut.h N.apars.tek (which I highly recommend).   It was the second CD of the 2 CD set about resolution and reclaiming one’s life.  Probably not a good idea.  It had me balling my eyes out with labored breathing for over 1.5 hrs, while driving.  It really wasn’t safe.   After it was over, I had to put on some upbeat music to sing to as I had over 1 hr to go.  Driving through C.T to get to NY is depressing enough, but this CD really got to me.  It was about imagining someone who you love supporting you (I was thinking of my Dad), acknowledging how difficult things have been for you in your journey, and being there  to support through your resolution process.  I can’t really summarize it to do it any merit.  I warned my friend that my eyes would look buggy…she didn’t care, she knows.  We ended up having a lot of fun, but geez, I can’t remember the last time I cried like that.  The first CD is really good for those going through treatment.   See link if interested:    http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=89

Between my current state of affairs and the fact that it’s been raining every day for over a week, I’ve been really sad.  I’ve come up with a first pass on a prayer to God.  I know some of you may not see things this way, but I figured I’d post it in case it could help someone somewhere.

My Prayer

Dear God,

Please help me to get through this difficult time in my life.  I want to be a Mom more than anything.  I have been having a difficult struggle over the years and I need to heal.  Please soften my pain.  The pain comes when I wake up in the morning and my head races thinking that I will never be a Mom.  The pain comes when L and I will never get to look at our child thinking how much they look like us or when I think that I am keeping L from having a biological child.  The pain comes when I learn of a new pregnancy.  The pain comes when I feel left out of conversations or left out of events because we have no children.  The pain comes when I have to answer the question, “so, do you have children?”  The pain comes when I see commercials on TV.  The pain comes when I feel that the only reason I can work in my yard is because I don’t have children.  I can go on and on about the instances of when pain is felt.  Sometimes I wake up with daggers in the heart and I feel hopeless and weak and self-pitying.  Please soften my pain.  Please continue to open my heart to other options for family building.  I know that I am capable of loving in a very deep sense.  Please help me to become more and more aware that my life has meaning and that this too shall pass.  Thank you for giving me such a great support system in my husband, my Mom, my brother, my Dad who is deceased, my aunts and uncles, in-laws, friends, etc.   Please help me make decisions following my heart but with my head there to tell me what is achievable.    Please help me to let go and accept that life is not perfect or as we had always planned.   I know that there will be a time when I look back on this part of my life and it won’t hurt as much.  Please help that time to come sooner than later.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.   

Amen.

Something is Taking The Babies

Any idea what this thing is? 

After my last post, I’m sad to report that as of today, there is only one egg left.  I think this thing (I think it’s a crow) stole the other 3 eggs.  That f-in bastard!  I was away in NYC this weekend (more on that another time) and DH set up the hunting camera we borrowed from a friend that has a motion sensor.  It recorded videos and stills.   Mama hasn’t been there much today.  She cleaned out an egg shell.  We have evidence of that, too…

I have a crystal clear video of her flying off with an egg shell, but I can’t get the videos to attach here.  I’ll try to figure it out and update. 

We’re upset…we feel so bad for mama bird.   I just hope that one in there is safe.   I hope she doesn’t give up on it.  Several people have said she’d keep coming back year after year if she likes this spot, but now we know she won’t, she’ll think it’s a death trap. 

I guess this is just the circle of life.

Signs of Spring

I am pleased to announce that we will have the fortunate honor of hosting several births this spring! 

I was working in the front yard with DH on Sunday and noticed this on my front door wreath.  I was in awe of this as I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years.

So, over the next few days, DH and I were just checking now and then to see if anything showed up there, mama or her eggs.  We didn’t know what type of bird it was, but had our opinions.  

On Tuesday when I came home from work, I noticed one egg, then on Wednesday, a second egg, then on Thursday, a third egg.   So, this morning, I opened the inside door gingerly, excited to see what was in there, and mama flew to the nearby tree.  She was cackling at me a little, but I didn’t open the glass storm door.  I took this shot from within my house through the glass just holding the camera up high and shooting down. 

The nest is perfect, and if you look close in the picture above, you can see the mud she put up against the glass to make the nest stay in place.  Our house faces the south so the location gets warmed by the sun all day.  Plus, the house extends out on the west side, so the door is protected from the wind from the west.  This mama really knows how to pick a good spot!  See below:

Getting back to the nest….tonight I noticed a 4th egg.  I thought I’d try to go around the front and take a shot from the other side, being careful not to touch anything.  Mama would kill the babies if she could smell my scent.  So, I’m walking up my front walk towards the steps, I look up and see her in there warming her unborn kin.   I stopped dead in my tracks, about 15 feet away.  She didn’t move at all.

I then decided to do some work in my front beds since it’s going to rain tomorrow.  She flew back and forth from that ornamental pear tree (shown in other pic) a few times, seemingly unaffected by us being there.  But, I bet she was watching us that whole time.  Daisy was with me…she heard her fly back and forth and didn’t bark or anything.  I told mama not to worry, that we wouldn’t touch them, and that they are welcome here.  (I know, I’m weird.) 

I’m very excited about this!  I’ve shown these pictures to several people at work and my entire family.   I was so surprised to see that even the guys at work were interested.  DH is psyched about it…it’s like their our little extended family.  I may even get an inexpensive motion sensitive video camera to see if I can film the births from inside through the glass.  It would be neat to see them hatch.  It takes 12-14 days for them to hatch from the day they are laid and then they are in the nest for 12-14 days to wean from mama before they fly off.   I have about 5 days or so to figure out what I am going to do to film them.   Maybe I’ll be ready for Nat.ional Geo.graphic soon, eh?   

I used to look at stuff like this like it was a good sign, that somehow the universe or God is trying to tell me that I will be a mother soon.  I’ve stopped thinking those things.  I have a stone I found in CO that has a “+” on it….I kept it and display it in my bathroom.  I’m about to throw that in the woods.   But, not really in a defeatist way, just in a move-on kind of way.  I’ve looked at many “signs” over the course of 6 years, but none of them turned out.  I even had a dream that I had 3 adopted baby girls and then after I did that, we had a bio baby.  I was holding her up to the sky like the papa on The Lio.n Kin.g did, and there was a white light.  It was weird.  I know that can still come true, but I’m losing faith.  The reason I held on to that for so long was that I had a similar dream when trying to decide to marry DH.  I saw a white light and my DH’s face was in the middle, like God was trying to tell me something.  So, I’m letting go of these preoccupations with “signs” and just letting things be. 

I’ve thought of how we may view this happening…what an infertile or fertile may think about the Robin making a nest on their front door:

  • The newly discovered infertile:  “How cool is that…she’s got 4 eggs, maybe it’s a sign I’ll get 4 good embryos this cycle.”
  • The  2-3 year infertile:  “This has to be a sign.  I’ve been waiting so long, this is my time, it’s got to be.”
  • The 4-5 year infertile:  “Even the birds are throwing it in my face that I can’t get pregnant!!!”
  • The resolved infertile, still waiting to be a Mom:  “That is just so beautiful.”, smiling inside and shedding a tear about how motherhood would be.
  • The pregnant infertile:  “Aw”, rubbing the baby bump proudly (and very deservedly so I might add).
  • The fertile:  “Get that thing out of here, it’s gonna bring germs and ticks and now we can’t even use the front door!” (sorry if this is harsh to any fertile reading this, but my best friend with 4 kids sort of had that response.)

With that, I’ll share some other signs of spring…

This is my “twin” pink tulip.  This may be less common than actual twin pregnancies.

Bee in center of ornamental pear tree (hand-held so a little blurry) – is it pollinating or getting nectar? 

Pansies are for welcoming, so I welcome your comments and thoughts as always (especially if you have a good tip on a motion sensitive camera)! 😉