My Prayer

Mama robin gave up on the nest, pretty much the day after the crow came and took three of the eggs.  We left the last egg in there hoping she’d come back, but she didn’t.  I guess that’s the natural order of things.  The mama goes on to nest somewhere else.  Such is nature, such is life, right. 

I went to NY to visit a friend last weekend.  We went to Sw.eet Rev.enge in NYC – it was deeelish!  Here’s my raspberry red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting paired with a raspberry sparkling wine.  I’m still having taste flashbacks.

Anyway, on the way up there I listened to a guid.ed imagery CD by Belle.rut.h N.apars.tek (which I highly recommend).   It was the second CD of the 2 CD set about resolution and reclaiming one’s life.  Probably not a good idea.  It had me balling my eyes out with labored breathing for over 1.5 hrs, while driving.  It really wasn’t safe.   After it was over, I had to put on some upbeat music to sing to as I had over 1 hr to go.  Driving through C.T to get to NY is depressing enough, but this CD really got to me.  It was about imagining someone who you love supporting you (I was thinking of my Dad), acknowledging how difficult things have been for you in your journey, and being there  to support through your resolution process.  I can’t really summarize it to do it any merit.  I warned my friend that my eyes would look buggy…she didn’t care, she knows.  We ended up having a lot of fun, but geez, I can’t remember the last time I cried like that.  The first CD is really good for those going through treatment.   See link if interested:

Between my current state of affairs and the fact that it’s been raining every day for over a week, I’ve been really sad.  I’ve come up with a first pass on a prayer to God.  I know some of you may not see things this way, but I figured I’d post it in case it could help someone somewhere.

My Prayer

Dear God,

Please help me to get through this difficult time in my life.  I want to be a Mom more than anything.  I have been having a difficult struggle over the years and I need to heal.  Please soften my pain.  The pain comes when I wake up in the morning and my head races thinking that I will never be a Mom.  The pain comes when L and I will never get to look at our child thinking how much they look like us or when I think that I am keeping L from having a biological child.  The pain comes when I learn of a new pregnancy.  The pain comes when I feel left out of conversations or left out of events because we have no children.  The pain comes when I have to answer the question, “so, do you have children?”  The pain comes when I see commercials on TV.  The pain comes when I feel that the only reason I can work in my yard is because I don’t have children.  I can go on and on about the instances of when pain is felt.  Sometimes I wake up with daggers in the heart and I feel hopeless and weak and self-pitying.  Please soften my pain.  Please continue to open my heart to other options for family building.  I know that I am capable of loving in a very deep sense.  Please help me to become more and more aware that my life has meaning and that this too shall pass.  Thank you for giving me such a great support system in my husband, my Mom, my brother, my Dad who is deceased, my aunts and uncles, in-laws, friends, etc.   Please help me make decisions following my heart but with my head there to tell me what is achievable.    Please help me to let go and accept that life is not perfect or as we had always planned.   I know that there will be a time when I look back on this part of my life and it won’t hurt as much.  Please help that time to come sooner than later.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.   



11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lost in Space
    May 24, 2011 @ 23:29:47

    Sending hugs and hoping that the rain and gloom leaves you soon… This wait is not an easy one for sure.

    I may just have to check out that cd. Thanks for the overview. And the picture of the cupcake…cruel. (-;


  2. Kate
    May 25, 2011 @ 03:21:29

    One of my favourites: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
    I haven’t thought about it in all of this IF stuff but I think I might make it my mantra 🙂


  3. soulshine
    May 25, 2011 @ 07:29:06

    that’s a beautiful prayer… all things i wish for you, too.

    you are so in the thick of it now, all i can say is that i remember all those feelings so well… a terrible place to be and i hope so badly that you will soon find a resolution that brings a great joy to your heart and healing to the suffering you are in now.

    its so good to be able to find things like raspberry deliciousness to lift the spirits, though 🙂

    your in my thoughts each day!


  4. R
    May 25, 2011 @ 07:30:41

    Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I wish you peace and that your pain disappears.


  5. MyTwoLines
    May 25, 2011 @ 21:14:43

    A beautiful prayer.
    And a beautiful cupcake, too! 🙂
    Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry things are so tough right now. HUGS.


  6. Flygirl555
    May 26, 2011 @ 04:43:48

    Sometimes we just need a good cry. Hope your prayer is heard and answered. The uncertainty and the emotional rollercoaster you’re forced to endure in this process is the worst. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words.


  7. LisainSK
    May 27, 2011 @ 15:35:00

    Beautiful…simply beautiful…(hugs and tears)


  8. elliej
    May 29, 2011 @ 09:14:18

    Sending you big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))), I am so looking forward to when this pain is a memory for you which twinges but does not ache in that burning way we know so well xxx


  9. Pearl
    Jun 02, 2011 @ 21:17:44

    That was a beautiful prayer. I hope it brings you the confort you need. I’ll be praying for you as well and hoping you feel better.


  10. Cassie
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 11:37:36

    I’m so sorry that you are in such pain and hope that you are able to find some peace soon.
    And those cupcakes are my favorites! DH works near there and sometimes brings them to me as a special treat – yum!


  11. soulshine
    Jun 04, 2011 @ 21:25:11

    how are you this week? have been thinking of you…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: