The Ball Has Been Punted

We submitted our application for a Home Study yesterday. 

I know I am normal about my feelings.  I’m not 100% in.  I’m about 75% in.  I heard that is normal.  So, I’ll take that.  If you’ve been following me, you know that it takes me a long time to make a decision.  I am happy about this most of the time, then the fear kicks in.  Then the grieving kicks in.  Then the second guessing kicks in.  But, the application is in the mail.  We just started the time clock. 

I’ve been thinking…..The guy at the meat counter at the market had a huge hickie (I thought those were so passe) on his neck.  I thought, “is that where our baby will come from?”.    I see young couples holding hands in the mall and I think, “is that where our baby will come from?”  I read the paper, see the news, hear about wayward teenagers and think, “is that where our baby will come from?”.

I’ve been reading this book, “Sec.ret Tho.ught.s of an Ad.optive Moth.er”, and I have to say, that lady thinks exactly like me.  It’s actually perfect for me.  I know this lady fell in love with her adoptive son, but in the beginning, she had major reservations.  I am only a few chapters in, but I recommend it.  I’ve also bought a few other books.  I need to  know that I’m not the only one who felt this way in the beginning.  I want more confirmation that I am normal, I guess.

I want to maximize my life experience using the cards I have been dealt.  I want to make a difference in a child’s life.  I want to give all that I have been given from my Mom, Dad, Aunts and Uncles.  Most importantly, I want to be a Mom with my husband being the Dad.  I want to see him play Daddy.  I want to see him throw the kid around like he does my friend’s kids, even if I have to scold him for doing it.  The only way I know that this has the best possible way of working out is through adoption. 

Yes, we have those embryos waiting.  Yes, we are considering a GC.  Yes, if we get a GC, I may do one more retrieval to see if I can get one more normal (to maximize chances).  But, all that is a pipe dream.  Heck, even if we were comfortable with DE, that would still not be a given with my uterus.   So, treatment is still in our cards, but for now, it needs to be thought of as second.  If it works, great, having two kids would be a blessing.  We have the room….in our house and in our hearts.

So, here we are.  Battered and bruised.  But, we’ve somehow put the pen to the paper and filled out the application.  Our bodies, minds, and hearts let us do it.  So, it had to be the right decision, even though I felt the apprehension.  DH did too, I could tell, but less than me.  He brought me flowers later on that day.  He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to.  I think he is happy at the prospect. 

It’s weird.  Sometimes, you can’t get the words out.  It’s like the body knew what to do, but the tongue got stuck.  It’s like love.  Sometimes, you know it’s there, you can feel it, but don’t verbalize it.  Sometimes saying nothing with the gesture of flowers with precise timing has profound meaning. 

Tangible things are my focus for today.   I have to get some banana bread out of the oven right now….and boy does it smell good.

Group

First, thank you all for your care and concern and for double checking on me (soulshine).   It means a lot to me. 

I’ve been hanging in there but still in my own head, no progress.  If you can count progress as attending a group (infertility support) session tonight, then I’ve done that.  I started out meeting with a therapist one-on-one.  After 3 sessions, she told me she was starting a group.  We talked about how it would be and if it would be good for me.  I said that I’d only be interested if there were people my age and somewhat in my shoes.  She thought so, telling me that there were some girls my age and nearing the end of the road, considering other options, but she did say there were also some in their 30s.   I thought that sounded good, so I decided to partake.  

The majority of them are in their early to mid 30s and are doing freakin’ IUI’s or their 1st or 2nd IVF.  And the older gals, there are 3 of them, have only done 1 or 2 IVF’s.  They have high FSH and low response, something I don’t have or didn’t have as of the last testing, but they are still quite green.  There was one girl who is 28 who wasn’t sure if she should join because she can get pregnant very easily, but has had 3 miscarriages, all unexplained.    She was balling her eyes out saying that she doesn’t really think she belongs but just moved to the area about a year ago and doesn’t have many friends (none with IF issues).   The therapist said to the group that she thought she belonged and that if there are any triggers that get anyone sad/upset, to let her know.  There was one girl who was 36 and just did her first IVF and thought that she couldn’t go through it again, that it was too much.   A 29 yr old thyroid cancer survivor who still has eggs and is gearing up for IVF.  A 32 yr old doing IUI’s that didn’t know what FSH was.  A 40 yr old who is pre-menopausal who got pregnant on her own recently but m/c, who did 2 IVF’s but can’t afford egg donor or adoption.  And so on.

Why the f did my therapist think a vet like me who is on the brink of moving on with adoption while contemplating gc would fit in here!  Now I feel like I owe it to these ladies to continue….for 10 freakin sessions, almost every other week, that end in the beginning of Oct.   

I told them my pathetic, twisting, long history and where I’m heading.  I said that I have a lot of experience that I can share.  I guess I’m that person again….the helper.  I’m thinking that is my role in life.  To help other people, to give of myself but to not be on the receiving end.  This is how I am, always helping, always being the one to fix things, work hard to solve the problem (because everything is solvable, except IF), make invitations, make quilts for gifts, go to showers, go to birthdays, lend that ear, give that shirt off the back.  

I think this may be the reason the therapist thought I would be a good fit.  She was trying to round out her group….with the hopeful 28 yr old and me as the hopeless but surviving 41 yr old. 

I do think she is a great therapist, don’t get me wrong.  i enjoyed our 3 individual sessions.  I just think there may be alternative motives.  Maybe she had so many clients now and starting a group would be a way for her to streamline her sessions so she could still support people but also take some time off for the summer.  There are like 12 people in the group @ $35pp = $420.  It’s less than what she would with individual sessions, but that’s good cake for 1.5 hrs of time. 

Or maybe she is sick of hearing the same thing and wanted to minimize her exposure to the hormonal IFers.

Or maybe she really does think this will benefit everyone.  There are common threads that she keeps referring to that don’t change no matter where you are in the journey…they only change when you move on, either with adoption, through birth, or with final acceptance. 

I will sleep on this over the next few days even though I made the committment.  She wants everyone to go to all the sessions, which is good…she takes it seriously.  I know I could look at it like I will donate some of my time, experience, stories to those wet behind the ears, for their greater good.  But, I have to think it through and decide if it’s right for me.   I need to be protective of my delicate, vulnerable self right now.    I am exploring serious, specific options and don’t want to jip myself with the “lower level” type conversations….I’m hard core …unfortunately!   I guess, having gone to C. CRm and done CC.S, and with all my history, there just aren’t that many people in this world who “get it”.    It would take a lot to get a group together that would be right for someone like me.

That’s why I am thankful to have all of you!