The Ball Has Been Punted

We submitted our application for a Home Study yesterday. 

I know I am normal about my feelings.  I’m not 100% in.  I’m about 75% in.  I heard that is normal.  So, I’ll take that.  If you’ve been following me, you know that it takes me a long time to make a decision.  I am happy about this most of the time, then the fear kicks in.  Then the grieving kicks in.  Then the second guessing kicks in.  But, the application is in the mail.  We just started the time clock. 

I’ve been thinking…..The guy at the meat counter at the market had a huge hickie (I thought those were so passe) on his neck.  I thought, “is that where our baby will come from?”.    I see young couples holding hands in the mall and I think, “is that where our baby will come from?”  I read the paper, see the news, hear about wayward teenagers and think, “is that where our baby will come from?”.

I’ve been reading this book, “Sec.ret Tho.ught.s of an Ad.optive Moth.er”, and I have to say, that lady thinks exactly like me.  It’s actually perfect for me.  I know this lady fell in love with her adoptive son, but in the beginning, she had major reservations.  I am only a few chapters in, but I recommend it.  I’ve also bought a few other books.  I need to  know that I’m not the only one who felt this way in the beginning.  I want more confirmation that I am normal, I guess.

I want to maximize my life experience using the cards I have been dealt.  I want to make a difference in a child’s life.  I want to give all that I have been given from my Mom, Dad, Aunts and Uncles.  Most importantly, I want to be a Mom with my husband being the Dad.  I want to see him play Daddy.  I want to see him throw the kid around like he does my friend’s kids, even if I have to scold him for doing it.  The only way I know that this has the best possible way of working out is through adoption. 

Yes, we have those embryos waiting.  Yes, we are considering a GC.  Yes, if we get a GC, I may do one more retrieval to see if I can get one more normal (to maximize chances).  But, all that is a pipe dream.  Heck, even if we were comfortable with DE, that would still not be a given with my uterus.   So, treatment is still in our cards, but for now, it needs to be thought of as second.  If it works, great, having two kids would be a blessing.  We have the room….in our house and in our hearts.

So, here we are.  Battered and bruised.  But, we’ve somehow put the pen to the paper and filled out the application.  Our bodies, minds, and hearts let us do it.  So, it had to be the right decision, even though I felt the apprehension.  DH did too, I could tell, but less than me.  He brought me flowers later on that day.  He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to.  I think he is happy at the prospect. 

It’s weird.  Sometimes, you can’t get the words out.  It’s like the body knew what to do, but the tongue got stuck.  It’s like love.  Sometimes, you know it’s there, you can feel it, but don’t verbalize it.  Sometimes saying nothing with the gesture of flowers with precise timing has profound meaning. 

Tangible things are my focus for today.   I have to get some banana bread out of the oven right now….and boy does it smell good.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 12:57:28

    Daisy- I am so happy to read an update from you, you have been on my mind a lot. I think your feelings are normal. I had similar ones about DE and using a GC. I’m sure there will always be a part of you that will grieve, but I know that the love you will have for your child(ren) will over take. You WILL be a mother and a fantastic one.

    Reply

  2. Cassie
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 13:29:08

    I’m so happy that you are taking this step! I also think it is fantastic to keep your other options open. As R said, you will be a fantastic mother no matter which path you choose!

    Reply

  3. LisainSK
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 18:26:43

    This absolutely FANTATSTIC news Daisy! I will be here every step of the way!!

    Reply

  4. soulshine
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 15:01:22

    daisysmom,
    so nice to read your update. i think some of that remaining 25% that you aren’t ‘in’ with has got to be the ‘unknown’ factor of this new direction you have begun. you know all the in’s&out’s of cycling, retrievals, FET’s, meds, etc… you know the before, during, and after feelings- very well unfortunately. but this beginning of the adoption process, it represents all new things and feelings that you have no idea what will bring and how it will all play out- all those unknowns are overwhelming and i think may be keeping you reserved about going ‘all in’ 100%. that’s just me guessing, though… i think whatever it is, it falls under ‘totally normal’. you are brave and strong to have punted that ball. one thing for sure, you have all the makings- and then some- of a wonderful mother. i so hope that this path brings you your child.

    i think of you very often, wonder how you are, what you’re thinking in terms of direction, etc., so its so nice to see these updates. i am hoping the best for you!

    Reply

  5. flygirl555
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 23:42:50

    Daisy, good to see you blogging again!

    As I think you know, based on our history and the assumption that after our November m/c, the doctors would say they couldn’t help us, my DH and I decided to start to pursue adption in December. As you explain in this post about your own relationship, we knew that what was most important to us was to become parents together. Having gone through the process, I completely understand the 25% of hesitation and uncertanity. To be honest, I think mine was closer to 50% or maybe even more. It’s hard to have one dream in your mind and then switch to another. It takes time.

    I am sure I have said this before, but it deserves repeating. One of my favorite IVF nurses overseas said to me that she believes children find their parents and couples who really want to become parents always do. She has never not seen a couple become parents – whether it was from IVF, DE, Surrogate or Adoption.

    It’s hard to know what’s in store for your future – but one thing is definite…your children will find you one day.

    Hang in there…

    Reply

  6. Patience
    Jun 27, 2011 @ 08:42:46

    Daisy-

    You’ve been in my thoughts lately. I am so glad to see an update from you.

    I could have written many of the same thoughts you share here. I am still not 100%- and our homestudy is done. The process was relatively painless, and I hope yours goes as smoothly as ours did. It was nice to have something actually go as planned for once! 🙂

    That book has been on my reading list- I’ve read several others that were of great help to me. You’ve inspired me to do a post on my blog listing those books- I’ll do that soon.

    You are in my heart, my dear friend. Know that you are not alone- that there are others sitting in very similar shoes.

    Patience

    Reply

  7. MyTwoLines
    Jun 30, 2011 @ 06:51:31

    Daisymom
    Wow! Yours is the first blog I could read from ethiopia….seriously no blogs would ever load!

    As an adoptive mom I will echo your sentiments…we filled out paperwork with many uncertainties and hesitations…but now…NOW they ate forever gone.

    Remember what you wrote about that place in your neck where you nuzzle a baby? It’s all we’ve been doing for a week and our hearts are overflowing with joy and PEACE. Peace like I had forgotten could even exist…

    I want that for you so much. Hold on to your dreams.

    Reply

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