I think you guys have heard me say before. …The heart wants what it wants.

This is no more evident than when things happen that would make the normal human happy really don’t impact you.

Igot an unexpected financial windfall recently.  This would make the normal human smile from ear to ear, shouting it off the roof tops, etc.  Well, for the person whose heart is still broken, the monetary windfall didn’t really elate me.  I am still without child.  I am still floundering my way through things.  Granted, I am happier lately as I said in my last post.  But, I cannot go nuts about this windfall.  

Why do things like this always remind me of what I don’t have ?…almost instantly.  

Why do I get to excel in mycareer, have good financial stature, have a good loving husband, family and friends, but be without child.  Why do I feel like I’d be happier living in the ghetto if I could have a child to call my own?  Would that be the case?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’ve got a friend with 3 kids who can’t rub two pennies together due to a recent failed business and I’d rather be in her shoes.  I like peanut butter and jelly.  I don’t have expensive taste in clothes, cars, etc.   I can have fun in my own backyard. 

Sometimes I feel like I want to give money to those who can’t even afford one IV.F.  It must be so painful to not even be able to try due to financial constraints.  Or, there are those who can’t adopt due to cost or due to prior records (someone whose husband has a record brought this up in my group session – which is strangely going well for me).  I can’t imagine what it must feel like to not even be able to try.  I guess there are injustices and pains in this world and we will never know why we were delt the cards we were delt. 

It is financially freeing to know that we have this windfall, but I just want it differently, I want a windfall in my arms or even, in some miraculous longshot, in my belly.


Feeling Good

Hello everyone!  It’s been a while since I posted.  Sometimes I feel pressure to make a significant, interesting post and that holds me back.  Sometimes I’m just too tired or too busy.  Sometimes I need to take a break from this.  But, I still post because I still count on your input and also hope that I could maybe help someone out someday if they are following my story.  I’d like to pay it forward.   I have followed several blogs that have given me strength when I needed it, ideas and advice when I have been weak and indecisive, and even comic relief sometimes…this is especially valuable coming from people who get it.  To be able to live normally through all of this or when you are ready to move onto a new chapter really shows that there is hope.  

I have been feeling good lately.  I don’t know exactly why.   I have been taking pictures again…with passion.  I have been gardening.  I have been going out with friends and having a great time.  I’ve been enjoying my work lately as I’m on a new assignment managing a project for Am.gen.  I have been planning my uncle’s 70th birthday (he’s an uncle I adore).  I’ve been thinking of a kitchen remodel.  I have been Me.

I have also been moving forward with the home study.  We’ve had our first meeting with the social worker.  Our 3 contacts have been contacted.  I’ve notified work of the pending request for work verification.  I am happy and somewhat excited most of the time about this path.  I feel a flutter of happiness when I think of a baby somehow finding me.  But, sometimes I follow it up with a huge guttural feeling of grief over the loss of a biological child.  I still have a tiny (and I mean tiny) glimmer of hope for our 2 remaining embryos, but I am smart enough to realize that they may just be a group of cells and that’s it.  I also have thoughts whether or not we should do one final retrieval in the case of the GC option. 

As luck would have it, a girl I’m working with at A,mge.n just announced she is 4 months pregnant.  There’s no getting around working with her day in and day out.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I think it will get harder when she has a nice bump and more of the mommy comments start flying around, but hopefully by that time I will be further along in my grieving process and will also be more excited about our adoption plan.  

But, getting back to why I’m happy lately, I really think it’s a result of all of the things I said earlier in this post…but mainly because I don’t feel as much like a person who could never get what they want, that there’s no way out of this hell-hole.  I feel like a person who can.  There will be resolution.  I will have my time.  I will become a Mama!!! 

Here is one of my favorite pictures…