Feeling Good

Hello everyone!  It’s been a while since I posted.  Sometimes I feel pressure to make a significant, interesting post and that holds me back.  Sometimes I’m just too tired or too busy.  Sometimes I need to take a break from this.  But, I still post because I still count on your input and also hope that I could maybe help someone out someday if they are following my story.  I’d like to pay it forward.   I have followed several blogs that have given me strength when I needed it, ideas and advice when I have been weak and indecisive, and even comic relief sometimes…this is especially valuable coming from people who get it.  To be able to live normally through all of this or when you are ready to move onto a new chapter really shows that there is hope.  

I have been feeling good lately.  I don’t know exactly why.   I have been taking pictures again…with passion.  I have been gardening.  I have been going out with friends and having a great time.  I’ve been enjoying my work lately as I’m on a new assignment managing a project for Am.gen.  I have been planning my uncle’s 70th birthday (he’s an uncle I adore).  I’ve been thinking of a kitchen remodel.  I have been Me.

I have also been moving forward with the home study.  We’ve had our first meeting with the social worker.  Our 3 contacts have been contacted.  I’ve notified work of the pending request for work verification.  I am happy and somewhat excited most of the time about this path.  I feel a flutter of happiness when I think of a baby somehow finding me.  But, sometimes I follow it up with a huge guttural feeling of grief over the loss of a biological child.  I still have a tiny (and I mean tiny) glimmer of hope for our 2 remaining embryos, but I am smart enough to realize that they may just be a group of cells and that’s it.  I also have thoughts whether or not we should do one final retrieval in the case of the GC option. 

As luck would have it, a girl I’m working with at A,mge.n just announced she is 4 months pregnant.  There’s no getting around working with her day in and day out.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I think it will get harder when she has a nice bump and more of the mommy comments start flying around, but hopefully by that time I will be further along in my grieving process and will also be more excited about our adoption plan.  

But, getting back to why I’m happy lately, I really think it’s a result of all of the things I said earlier in this post…but mainly because I don’t feel as much like a person who could never get what they want, that there’s no way out of this hell-hole.  I feel like a person who can.  There will be resolution.  I will have my time.  I will become a Mama!!! 

Here is one of my favorite pictures…



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Jul 12, 2011 @ 23:37:49

    Its so good to hear from you and with such an uplifting post. You have been on my mind lately and I’m so happy to hear you are feeling more like yourself. Yes you are right – you WILL be a mama!


  2. soulshine
    Jul 13, 2011 @ 14:39:56

    Gorgeous photo, H4F (new nickname?). I love it! It is symbolic, too… the big flower in the forefront is the hope, the dream, of your family, your baby… and the small flower is coming along to back it up, to come to fruition… that baby waiting in the wings, the one who will call you ‘Mom’. That’s how I see it, anyway 🙂

    So glad you are in the moment and busy being *you*. A major accomplishment!

    Congratulations on the steps you have made in terms of the adoption process… small steps, but big steps, too!

    Always love seeing a new post from you.


  3. flygirl555
    Jul 13, 2011 @ 18:30:37

    Good to hear from you! Love the picture and immediately thought of you and the beautiful child that we all know is going to come into your life. Happy that you are feeling more like you and enjoying your summer. We can’t wait to follow all the exciting updates in the future!


  4. Cassie
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 22:11:20

    Hello! It is wonderful to hear that you are feeling better. It sounds like you have been doing all the right things to take care of yourself. I’m thrilled to hear about the homestudy and can’t wait to hear more as you progress.
    That is a gorgeous picture of a mama flower and her little baby!


  5. Pearl
    Jul 16, 2011 @ 19:32:29

    It’s good to hear that the wheels are rolling and that you will soon be a mother. I wish you strength and patience, especially now that you’ll have to endure the wait with a pregnant co-worker nearby. I’m glad to hear you are feeling so good about everything.


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