I think you guys have heard me say before. …The heart wants what it wants.

This is no more evident than when things happen that would make the normal human happy really don’t impact you.

Igot an unexpected financial windfall recently.  This would make the normal human smile from ear to ear, shouting it off the roof tops, etc.  Well, for the person whose heart is still broken, the monetary windfall didn’t really elate me.  I am still without child.  I am still floundering my way through things.  Granted, I am happier lately as I said in my last post.  But, I cannot go nuts about this windfall.  

Why do things like this always remind me of what I don’t have ?…almost instantly.  

Why do I get to excel in mycareer, have good financial stature, have a good loving husband, family and friends, but be without child.  Why do I feel like I’d be happier living in the ghetto if I could have a child to call my own?  Would that be the case?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’ve got a friend with 3 kids who can’t rub two pennies together due to a recent failed business and I’d rather be in her shoes.  I like peanut butter and jelly.  I don’t have expensive taste in clothes, cars, etc.   I can have fun in my own backyard. 

Sometimes I feel like I want to give money to those who can’t even afford one IV.F.  It must be so painful to not even be able to try due to financial constraints.  Or, there are those who can’t adopt due to cost or due to prior records (someone whose husband has a record brought this up in my group session – which is strangely going well for me).  I can’t imagine what it must feel like to not even be able to try.  I guess there are injustices and pains in this world and we will never know why we were delt the cards we were delt. 

It is financially freeing to know that we have this windfall, but I just want it differently, I want a windfall in my arms or even, in some miraculous longshot, in my belly.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Pearl
    Jul 30, 2011 @ 02:04:46

    Somehow, the dark things in our lives steal away the joy of all the good we should be enjoying. I try very hard not to let it happen. I, too, count my blessings everyday, but it takes some effort. My list is long, but I often fail to pay attention.


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