Time Flies By

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I last posted.  So much has been going on since then.  This may be a long post.

My Mom is currently doing well.  There was nothing in the lymph nodes, but she had to go back for a second surgery since they didn’t get it all the first time.  We just got the news that she had clear margins with the second surgery.   The tumor was larger than they thought, so there is a chance they may recommend chemo as well as the pills for systemic treatment.  She will definitely get local radiation, too.  We will be meeting with the oncologist tomorrow to get the results of her testing – they tested the tumor to determine if it was an aggressive kind of cancer or not.  If so, chemo may be recommended, if not, it’s just pills.  So, we wait a bit more, but, all in all, she is doing well.   Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.  It was and still is scary.  (****ETA – they are recommending chemo due to the fact that the testing showed the cancer has a higher risk of reoccurance, but my Mom has some heart issues that make it tricky…so we will be getting a second opinion.  this road reminds me of IF treatment…everything grey, no black and white)

We took some time off up to labor day weekend and stayed at my Mom’s beach house.  We went fishing on the boat, went to the beach, went out to dinner (if you are ever in R.I. in the summer, you need to go to Sp.ai.n in Narr.ag.ansett – delicious), etc.  One night, after having dinner at Sp.ain (best paella around), we decided we wanted to go see a band.  We went to a place that usually has them and as we were walking by the bar we saw some people I know.  They were the kids of this 80something man, Charlie, I used to see walking Daisy near the school.  Charlie was a character.  He had 8 kids, was a staunch swamp yank.ee, loved the women, but had a sweetness for animals and people that was memorable.  He would pick up trash every day along the walk with his dog.  It was better to catch him for the morning walk (around 9amish) because the afternoon walk may have involved beer.  He used to want only beer and socks for his birthday.  Anyway, I digress.  We saw one of his sons and one of his daughters that night.  They would come to the school every now and then when they were visiting their dad.  We had a few drinks with them, talking about the old times I had with their dad, such as his 80th birthday (held outside in the rain, under a tent, with a fire pit – a very fun time).   A little later, I talked to the women a bit about womanly things and realized that most of them didn’t have children. I knew Charlie’s daughter had a miscarriage (I remember that), and I knew the son’s wife had ovarian cancer, I remember that.  Neither of them adopted.  I talked about our plans for adoption, etc.  They told me positive stories they know, etc.  (Why can’t we girls just have a conversation about beer or something like the men do!) They were going to leave before the young people came and they asked us to their house.   I said we wanted to go listen to some music.  They said they were going to be playing music there… one of them was in a band, another lady in the group was a singer, etc.  We thought for a minute, then said why not.  These people were drinkers.  We couldn’t keep up.  Being that I spent the last 5+ years not having alcohol to speak of, a few beers is enough for me to go over the edge.  In fact, at dinner earlier that night, I got tipsy after one glass of wine.  So we go there.   There were about 15 people.  Most just couples, one family with one daughter and one family with two teenagers.  Charlie’s dog, Copper, was there…his son took him after he died.  They got out two guitars, more beer and wine, some snacks, etc.  We offered our left over paella and they were quite appreciative.  It was like good karaoke…we sang, and sang and sang until about 1am.   I was belting them out like you wouldn’t believe.  We had so much fun…it was a moment.  But, the next day, I couldn’t help feel bad that the reason most could do this is because we didn’t have children.  That is how I ruin good times.

I’ve been obsessively working on my landscaping plans.  We have an elevated backyard, due to the septic system, which slopes down about 4′ to the property line (with the exception of one side where we have a little more land at the lower elevation).  This gives a unique, but challenging, opportunity for landscaping.  I’ve cut in about 2′-4′ into the backyard and made beds with shrubs, small trees, perennials, and annuals, incorporating the slope down to the lower elevation.  I’ve been addicted.  It’s been a lifesaver.  I always feel better when I’m working outside.   I subscribed to Fin.e G.ard.ening, I’ve been reading a lot, going to nurseries, etc.  It is something that gets me through.  When working through some of my most challenging decisions, I find that if I take a break and go work outside, it becomes clearer to me later, or at least, gives me that necessary diversion that takes you to happier place, clearing out the cobwebs of the unconscious. 

We had our home visit last week.  We spent a good amount of time last Saturday cleaning out the garage and the basement in preparation.  The rest of the house just needed its normal weekly cleaning.  Since the basement and garage are my husband’s domain, that really needed attention.  He is so busy working on the boat engines and fixing other things around the house that he tends to do the work, but not the clean up.  We spend about 2 hrs in the garage and 2-3 hrs in the basement, and considering that wasn’t even a full day, they look remarkably better.  We’ll see if it lasts.  I had my post-it labels and shar.pie in hand and was labeling the heck out of things.  Hubby has to deal with hot pink labels in his man cave, oh well.  Plus, last Sunday we celebrated (or lamented over) both our birthdays and had our family and friends over.  So, as you can see, we were very busy.

The home visit went well.  I really like our social worker.  She talks with such a calming voice.  We walked her through the house describing some of the updates my husband recently made.  She took some notes, not sure what they said.  Daisy loved her…she is a dog person, so she didn’t mind getting her feet licked.  We then went through the list of things we would accept, would consider, or wouldn’t consider in a birth mom/ baby.  That was a bit tough, but we are not likely to get a placement through them since they only do about 5 a year, if that.  So, we’ll get another chance to answer those questions with the agency we choose.  She showed us a video with clips of stories from birth mothers, adoptees, and birth mothers.  It even had some stuff from the 50’s where birth mothers would have to go to a home if they became pregnant out of wedlock.   After the video, she told us that it would take her about 2 weeks to complete our home study document and that we’d be able to read it first and comment before it becomes final.  So, effectively, we could be ready for a match very soon! 

I’ve been slowly reading up on different agencies, and continue to read up on adoption in general.  When I reach my limit of what I can absorb, I go do something else.  This, too, in my own time, I guess.  My gut tells me I don’t like the huge national adoption agencies, like Amer.ica.n Adop.tions, but then, if that gets us our baby faster than maybe it would be ok.  I want the agency or lawyer to know us and to know the birth mother and to help make the match that would best fit both.   The social worker told us that sometimes the big ones, like Am. Adop.tions, haven’t even met the birth mothers in person, it’s all through the internet.

I think the universe is trying to tell me that a gc isn’t for me, even though my gut feels like that would be the best.  I keep trying to physically talk to someone who did it, who has a living child from it, but no one is coming to the plate.  I recently asked my therapist (the one who is leading the group) if she knew of someone.  She asked the girl she knows who recently had twins via a gc to call me and she hasn’t yet.  She could be busy, I guess, considering that she has two to take care of (right, scottsdale, MTL? :)).  

I’m also still a sucker.  Still trying naturally every month, thinking that I could never be that miracle case if we don’t try.  I’m not as sad when AF comes and sometimes I evaluate that, too.  If the flow is more, brighter red, longer duration, I feel that maybe it was a good lining that month.  I think that maybe there could be a good home there.  I also saved a free fertility test, that came with one of my boxes of hpt’s.  I took it this past month and it showed that my fertility was NORMAL.  At least I know that my FSH isn’t through the roof.  But, the process still isn’t working.  I’ll never really know why.  I still get that guttural feeling of sadness that I can’t have a baby growing inside me, or that I can’t have a biological child.  It comes like a blow to the gut, then you absorb it, feeling the rhythm of pain resonate, then you get distracted and go on.  I guess distraction is the key to survival for me.  But, who wants to just wait for the next distraction?  My friend with 4 kids is having a hard time lately.  She, too, waits for distractions.  She lost both her parents before she was 41.  She lost her brother a few years ago.  She has 4 beautiful, smart, well behaved children (whom I love).  She has it all.  But, she still has pain, still has some depression, still needs distractions.  Go figure.

I think I’ll make my next post sooner than in a month.  I think shorter posts are easier on the eyes.  Speaking of easy on the eyes, this guy hung around on my butterfly bush for a long time….he (or she) was such a ham!…

…and I think this one was sleeping.  It was hanging out upside down on our deck railing….it hung out while being photographed, but then took off later…strange one, huh?