Need A Break

I am going to warn anyone reading this that this post is coming from a dark place.   I have been doing OK overall, but I am sick of just surviving.  I need a break. 

As soon as I say that, I worry that something else is just around the corner.  I have become almost immune to bad news, to challenges, to the evil twists and turns in life.  I am not going to say “why me”.   However, I am saying that it’s time for something good to happen. 

My Mom started chemo last week.  It was scary.  I prayed for her as the drug went into her veins.  Everything went OK, there were no bad reactions.    We were there for almost 5 hrs.  We played cards (Canasta) during the entire treatment.  We took a break and had coffee and a snack.  She seemed to handle everything well.  They gave her a lot of different anti-nausea medications and they put her on dexamethasone (I had to explain how I knew about that steroid).   She hasn’t started losing her hair yet, but that will come soon.   She can’t go in crowds, so I’m doing errands for her, shopping, etc.  I am happy to do it for her.  Even in my state, I am writing her an inspirational poem, “When the Daffodils Bloom”.  She should be done with her chemo and radiation by that time.    

Since my Mother’s diagnosis, I haven’t been focusing as much as I should on choosing an agency.  I am so emotionally drained that I can’t focus.  Unfortunately, I’m finding myself getting back into being the jealous, sad, bitter IFer.  I don’t want to be that way.   I don’t look at families on TV or in the mall or at gatherings and think that this will be us soon after we adopt.  I think about how much I have to overcome to get there.  I think of the loss of the biological connection.  I think of all the nasty stuff.  So many hurdles to jump.  I read blogs of people in the process who have been waiting a long time for a match and I think that will be us.  Because we CAN’T EVER GET A BREAK.

Although I manage to do a lot, I walk around with the wind out of my sail and a heavy heart.  I just want that freedom of happiness for a while.   I know the negative is compounded due to my Mom’s diagnosis and relatively long road for treatment, but I assume this is normal.

I have become that person that everyone looks at and compares themselves to, thinking, “thank God that hasn’t happened to me”. 

I’ve said this before.   They say things like this make you a better person.  I don’t want to be a better person, I want to be an average person who has a brood in tow and nothing serious to worry about. 

I guess I have to keep repeating this mantra.

 

 

 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LisainSK
    Oct 18, 2011 @ 07:08:38

    Daisysmom…I am so sorry you are in a very dark place right now. You have every right to be bitter right now…to have your mom sick on top of everything has got to be exhausting. Its all about survival right now…try not to worry that you feel “behind” with regard to adoption but I know this must be very hard to do. But the fact that you are concerned that you are now back to that angry IFer state tells me that deep deep DEEP down you really are a fighter. But right now, that fighter is fighting for your mom and its perfectly OK to take that break. You are human and its impossible to focus on two heartwrenching scenarios in a single life at one time. Try to be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up. You are without a doubt a very cherished and loved daughter. My prayers are with you and your mom. And damn it…good news is well past due…and I hope sooner than later. Hugs Daisy.

    Reply

  2. Cassie
    Oct 19, 2011 @ 10:36:12

    I’m so sorry D! I am thinking about you and wishing you the strength to get through all of this and find some sort of normalcy in your life. Your mom is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter taking care of her and I wish her a speedy recovery. Your mantra is indeed a good one – I know that you won’t give up and that you will be rewarded in the end. Big hugs.

    Reply

  3. Pearl
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 01:24:13

    I’m sorry you have so much on your plate. You have every right to feel you need a break. I hope that good things come your way soon, that your mother’s cancer responds well to the chemo, that the treatment does not make her sick, and that you find the strength to go through the adoption process with optimism.

    Reply

  4. mytwolines
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 11:29:09

    I’m so sorry for everything you are going through right now..it is so tough to see a parent ill.
    I will share this with you: when we were slogging through the paperwork portion of adoption our hearts were still very heavy and honestly we still had many mixed feelings BUT we just simply did not want any more time to pass. We were signing forms and getting medicals and letters of recommendation while failing our final IVF at CCRM and also while helping my mom and dad after dad’s stroke. So I know how you feel–it is a LOT!
    HUGS to you dear.

    Reply

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