Hanging On

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies to my last post.  It means a lot to have your support.

Beta today was 35,181.  So, I’m still hanging on. 

US is Thursday.  I plan to try to relax tonight and give myself some time without worry.  I know that won’t happen Wed night or Thursday at work.  

I started feeling a bit more woozy today than I have been…and a bit nauseous.   I’ve still been spotting brownish stuff (somewhat thick – sorry TMI).  Today I also seem to have some regular water like discharge.  I asked about prog and they said not to worry and to let them know if my discharge changes color or gets heavier.  I think they are just letting nature take its course, whichever way it goes. 

I will probably calculate my beta rise rate and compare to betab.ase.  I know the rate of rise drops off at high levels.  

I shouldn’t be even thinking about this.  

Maybe I’ll just go and buy some Christm.as gifts, heck it is Cy.ber Mon.da.y.




Shocked and Scared

I’m shocked and scared…and I don’t know how to present it here.  I don’t want to just throw it out there to those that could be sensitive to my news, but it’s not all good either.  It’s not all unicorns and rainbows and happiness.  It’s more stress and torture.  I left some space so my words aren’t right in front of you in case you don’t want to read anymore.







I am still in shock that I am writing this, but the novelty has worn off based on today’s  news.  I am spontaneously pregnant.  I never thought it could happen to us after so many years of trying naturally, failing ivf’s, etc.  

My period should have arrived last Monday, but it never did.  I surmised something because I am never late, so I kept taking my BBT through the week and it was always elevated.   I was also tired and had sore/swollen bbs.  I POAS last Sat and got an immediate +.  After being happy and showing the stick to DH on Sat morn, the fear creeped in.  I didn’t tell anyone else.  I knew I need to get a  beta, but I am in limbo.  I don’t have an RE.  I’m not being monitored by anyone or anything.  I’m on my own.  It’s a weird feeling.  I emailed C.cR.M and they said that since the preg wasn’t with them that I should follow up with my GYN or general practitioner.  I have a new GYN because mine recently retired (ironically had an appt with her for next Mon).  I called her office on Monday.  Initially the nurse said that I couldn’t get blood work through them until I was a patient.  Then I explained the situation and she said she’d talk to the doctor.   The doctor called me andwe talked for a while about my history, etc.  She said she’s not really in this line of business anymore (not an OB) and was suggesting other doctors.  I said that I was thinking of calling my old RE since I really need to be monitored early due to my history.  She thought that was a good idea and said that she’d call me later on to see if I was all set.  I called my old RE and they got me in for a beta yesterday (Tue) and prog.  The GYN called back later in the day…I felt like I was talking to a girlfriend.  So, onto the meat of this….

Based on my calculations, I was 5w1d pregnant yesterday with my LMP Oct 16-17 (imagine what it felt like to even think along those lines to an infertile with many failed cycles).  My beta that day came back at 8,884 and my prog at 17.9.   So, definitely pregnant.  The RE thought that was extremely high for where I am and was thinking I may have messed up my dates.  He ordered me an ultrasound for today. (**edited to add….the nurse was wondering this…there is a slim chance that I got pregnant the month before and this has just been hanging on…but, I didn’t have these symptoms last month). 

I went to my US today and all they saw was a gestational sac.  The sac size was consistent with 5W2d.  However, since my beta is so high, the doctor said they should have seen more.  So he doesn’t think it’s viable.  I got another beta today and it only went up to 10,100.  So, they scheduled me for another beta next Monday and then another US next Thursday.

Everything I’m reading is scaring me.  Heck, I don’t even need to read to be scared.  I know betas don’t double once they get high like mine.  But, why the heck do I have such a high beta in the first place?  Why didn’t it go up more today?  Why didn’t I see more on the US?   I posted on the beta board and they think it’s too early to see anything regardless of your beta, but who the heck knows.

The emotions.  Saying they are mixed doesn’t do it justice.  I am going to be nervous wreck until next Mon/Thur.   I always hoped for that miracle pregnancy, but not this pain and aggravation.  Yes, it is nice to know that we finally conceived naturally, to know that sperm met egg and did the right thing, but getting back into this hell is ripping open wounds that are still trying to heal.

Yesterday, when I felt better about this, I was thinking that this would not replace our adoption plans, not for one minute.  It made me realize that we are ready for adoption and are greeting it with open arms.  Today, I find myself back to that nasty IF mode where you are uncontrollably anxious, reading the internet relentlessly, feeling like a lesser than, feeling the “why me”, wasting my time!   I was moving away from this.  Why is it bringing me back?  Why!?!?  Haven’t I been there long enough.  Give me a break universe! 

I told a few people yesterday (nurse and new GYN) that we were almost home study approved and researching agencies when this happened.  They asked if I was going to tell my social worker or if I was going to hold off.   I said no way…not trusting this.  I guess I was right.   So now, we sit and wait with all these mixed emotions.  Also, at times I’m finding myself steering this pregnancy in the face saying “you are not going to make me waste time, set me back, keep me from my life”.

I always hoped for a miracle pregnancy, but not like this. 

On the adoption front, our home study letter is written in draft form.  We need to finalize our decision on race.  The SW had us take a few online lessons to help us make the best decision for us on this subject.  I need to get back to her on this.

Can’t Get a Date

We went to a meeting at our homestudy agency last week where adoptive families came to share their stories.  The families had adopted domestically, from Ethiopia, Russia, and the foster care system.  Most of the families were young  and their children were young.  There was an older woman (60ish) who had 2 bio girls then adopted 5 girls from foster care, two being twins.  I loved this woman.  She was a therapist for hel.pu.s.ado.pt.org.  She was giving pointed, honest, practical advice to us couples in the audience.  She was also funny.  I will remember her and consider contacting her in the future if I ever need advice.   The young couples (30s to early 40s) had children who were under 6 yrs old now.  They brought some of them with them.  The baby from Ethiopia was absolutely gorgeous….and that smile, I remember it now.  Looking around at the audience, it was refreshing to see that there were other couples like us in this world.

This past weekend we went to the annual Res.olv.e conference in M.A.  They had an adoption focused track which had 4 main discussion groups.  We attended the ones on domestic adoption (a how-to discussion), openness in adoption, relationships with birth mothers (there wa a birth mother in there), and one with a panel of adoptive families who told their stories.  We also signed up for a discussion table at lunch on adoption and met some interesting people there.  One girl told us that she finally came out of the closet and told her grandma that she was adopting and her 86 yr old grandma told her she was adopted.  She said that she and her mom never knew.  I can’t understand that, but I guess that is how much of a stigma it was back then.  Over the course of the day, I took some notes, got some good tips, feedback to my questions, etc.  Some people made significant impressions on me.  Again, it was refreshing to see that there were other couples like us in this world.  We aren’t the only ones who have been fighting this horrific battle.

But, in both cases, discussions with peers led to nothing more than, “hello, how are you, where are you in the process” type stuff.   I stopped one lady on the way out who gave a talk about her experience (3 bio boys then fostering for a while and then adopting from Ethiopia twice).  We talked for a while and she gave us her email if we ever wanted to run anything by her (she knows a lot of people who adopted domestically recently).  I asked her about support groups and she told me that people go in different directions even in the group she is in with families who adopted from Ethiopia…she said their methods of parenting are different.

I guess where I’m going with this is that I cannot seem to “get a date”.  I want to find a person or a couple that is in our shoes now to talk to once in a while or go out to dinner sometimes.  This stuff is so deep and isolating for me.  There is no one close to me or even an acquaintance that is going through this.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s just a private matter and people don’t want to get into it with someone “new”.    I didn’t even find a “match” really in the Group I participated in for 10 sessions.  We had about 50% get pregnant (a high percentage per our therapist), and of the rest still in the rafters , the ones considering adoption weren’t really like me much (too depressed/bitter or too private).  So, nothing there. 

So, I think…is the universe telling me something.  Is it better to not make a new friend going through this because in the end one of us will move on faster than the other.  That is so painful.  But, I can’t help but think that I could help someone and they could help me. 

Until then, I will continue to be “odd man out” with my girlfriends as I sit back and listen to them talk about their kids.