Can’t Get a Date

We went to a meeting at our homestudy agency last week where adoptive families came to share their stories.  The families had adopted domestically, from Ethiopia, Russia, and the foster care system.  Most of the families were young  and their children were young.  There was an older woman (60ish) who had 2 bio girls then adopted 5 girls from foster care, two being twins.  I loved this woman.  She was a therapist for hel.pu.s.ado.pt.org.  She was giving pointed, honest, practical advice to us couples in the audience.  She was also funny.  I will remember her and consider contacting her in the future if I ever need advice.   The young couples (30s to early 40s) had children who were under 6 yrs old now.  They brought some of them with them.  The baby from Ethiopia was absolutely gorgeous….and that smile, I remember it now.  Looking around at the audience, it was refreshing to see that there were other couples like us in this world.

This past weekend we went to the annual Res.olv.e conference in M.A.  They had an adoption focused track which had 4 main discussion groups.  We attended the ones on domestic adoption (a how-to discussion), openness in adoption, relationships with birth mothers (there wa a birth mother in there), and one with a panel of adoptive families who told their stories.  We also signed up for a discussion table at lunch on adoption and met some interesting people there.  One girl told us that she finally came out of the closet and told her grandma that she was adopting and her 86 yr old grandma told her she was adopted.  She said that she and her mom never knew.  I can’t understand that, but I guess that is how much of a stigma it was back then.  Over the course of the day, I took some notes, got some good tips, feedback to my questions, etc.  Some people made significant impressions on me.  Again, it was refreshing to see that there were other couples like us in this world.  We aren’t the only ones who have been fighting this horrific battle.

But, in both cases, discussions with peers led to nothing more than, “hello, how are you, where are you in the process” type stuff.   I stopped one lady on the way out who gave a talk about her experience (3 bio boys then fostering for a while and then adopting from Ethiopia twice).  We talked for a while and she gave us her email if we ever wanted to run anything by her (she knows a lot of people who adopted domestically recently).  I asked her about support groups and she told me that people go in different directions even in the group she is in with families who adopted from Ethiopia…she said their methods of parenting are different.

I guess where I’m going with this is that I cannot seem to “get a date”.  I want to find a person or a couple that is in our shoes now to talk to once in a while or go out to dinner sometimes.  This stuff is so deep and isolating for me.  There is no one close to me or even an acquaintance that is going through this.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s just a private matter and people don’t want to get into it with someone “new”.    I didn’t even find a “match” really in the Group I participated in for 10 sessions.  We had about 50% get pregnant (a high percentage per our therapist), and of the rest still in the rafters , the ones considering adoption weren’t really like me much (too depressed/bitter or too private).  So, nothing there. 

So, I think…is the universe telling me something.  Is it better to not make a new friend going through this because in the end one of us will move on faster than the other.  That is so painful.  But, I can’t help but think that I could help someone and they could help me. 

Until then, I will continue to be “odd man out” with my girlfriends as I sit back and listen to them talk about their kids.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LisainSK
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 08:48:53

    Hey Daisy…I hope with the help of the Blog-o-verse you will get connected soon.

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 09:06:50

    As you may remember, we hopped on the adoption train before our very last transfer. The best advice I can give you is to set up a consultation with a very good adoption attorney if you haven’t already. The $250 we spent meeting with one of the top adoption attorneys in our state was valuable because he was able to tell us which agencies fit our needs (to adopt a healthy, Caucasian child within 9 months or less) and which to not waste time with.

    While I admire people who can care for foster children with the hopes of adopting, but it was too risky for me. The goal of a foster cate system is to return the child to the birth parents, so you could be a year or more into this and the child can be torn from your home.

    Also, you sometimes get an incomplete profile of the child. A good friend of mine was in this situation – they adopted a child through foster care and, years later my friend found out the county flat out lied about the birth mom being a drug addict. Their son is now in his mid 20’s and has always had “problems.” It’s now clear that the damage done in utero could never be “fixed.”

    When we started to open up to friends, one couple told us they were in the middle of the adoption process too. The agency they worked with would only allow 25 couples to be “active” at a time. They were put on the “active” list in late May and, by early August, were holding their beautiful son in their arms. So, success stories do happen.

    Reply

  3. Anonymous
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 09:07:33

    The previous comment was from me (Flygirl).

    Reply

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