Shocked and Scared

I’m shocked and scared…and I don’t know how to present it here.  I don’t want to just throw it out there to those that could be sensitive to my news, but it’s not all good either.  It’s not all unicorns and rainbows and happiness.  It’s more stress and torture.  I left some space so my words aren’t right in front of you in case you don’t want to read anymore.







I am still in shock that I am writing this, but the novelty has worn off based on today’s  news.  I am spontaneously pregnant.  I never thought it could happen to us after so many years of trying naturally, failing ivf’s, etc.  

My period should have arrived last Monday, but it never did.  I surmised something because I am never late, so I kept taking my BBT through the week and it was always elevated.   I was also tired and had sore/swollen bbs.  I POAS last Sat and got an immediate +.  After being happy and showing the stick to DH on Sat morn, the fear creeped in.  I didn’t tell anyone else.  I knew I need to get a  beta, but I am in limbo.  I don’t have an RE.  I’m not being monitored by anyone or anything.  I’m on my own.  It’s a weird feeling.  I emailed C.cR.M and they said that since the preg wasn’t with them that I should follow up with my GYN or general practitioner.  I have a new GYN because mine recently retired (ironically had an appt with her for next Mon).  I called her office on Monday.  Initially the nurse said that I couldn’t get blood work through them until I was a patient.  Then I explained the situation and she said she’d talk to the doctor.   The doctor called me andwe talked for a while about my history, etc.  She said she’s not really in this line of business anymore (not an OB) and was suggesting other doctors.  I said that I was thinking of calling my old RE since I really need to be monitored early due to my history.  She thought that was a good idea and said that she’d call me later on to see if I was all set.  I called my old RE and they got me in for a beta yesterday (Tue) and prog.  The GYN called back later in the day…I felt like I was talking to a girlfriend.  So, onto the meat of this….

Based on my calculations, I was 5w1d pregnant yesterday with my LMP Oct 16-17 (imagine what it felt like to even think along those lines to an infertile with many failed cycles).  My beta that day came back at 8,884 and my prog at 17.9.   So, definitely pregnant.  The RE thought that was extremely high for where I am and was thinking I may have messed up my dates.  He ordered me an ultrasound for today. (**edited to add….the nurse was wondering this…there is a slim chance that I got pregnant the month before and this has just been hanging on…but, I didn’t have these symptoms last month). 

I went to my US today and all they saw was a gestational sac.  The sac size was consistent with 5W2d.  However, since my beta is so high, the doctor said they should have seen more.  So he doesn’t think it’s viable.  I got another beta today and it only went up to 10,100.  So, they scheduled me for another beta next Monday and then another US next Thursday.

Everything I’m reading is scaring me.  Heck, I don’t even need to read to be scared.  I know betas don’t double once they get high like mine.  But, why the heck do I have such a high beta in the first place?  Why didn’t it go up more today?  Why didn’t I see more on the US?   I posted on the beta board and they think it’s too early to see anything regardless of your beta, but who the heck knows.

The emotions.  Saying they are mixed doesn’t do it justice.  I am going to be nervous wreck until next Mon/Thur.   I always hoped for that miracle pregnancy, but not this pain and aggravation.  Yes, it is nice to know that we finally conceived naturally, to know that sperm met egg and did the right thing, but getting back into this hell is ripping open wounds that are still trying to heal.

Yesterday, when I felt better about this, I was thinking that this would not replace our adoption plans, not for one minute.  It made me realize that we are ready for adoption and are greeting it with open arms.  Today, I find myself back to that nasty IF mode where you are uncontrollably anxious, reading the internet relentlessly, feeling like a lesser than, feeling the “why me”, wasting my time!   I was moving away from this.  Why is it bringing me back?  Why!?!?  Haven’t I been there long enough.  Give me a break universe! 

I told a few people yesterday (nurse and new GYN) that we were almost home study approved and researching agencies when this happened.  They asked if I was going to tell my social worker or if I was going to hold off.   I said no way…not trusting this.  I guess I was right.   So now, we sit and wait with all these mixed emotions.  Also, at times I’m finding myself steering this pregnancy in the face saying “you are not going to make me waste time, set me back, keep me from my life”.

I always hoped for a miracle pregnancy, but not like this. 

On the adoption front, our home study letter is written in draft form.  We need to finalize our decision on race.  The SW had us take a few online lessons to help us make the best decision for us on this subject.  I need to get back to her on this.


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. R
    Nov 23, 2011 @ 15:52:38

    I know your feelings all too well. The feeling of WTF just happened, why now, dont be cruel and give me a glimpse to take it away, what if it works and everything else. I dont know how this part ends for you, but I was in limbo for weeks before knowing if the pg was viable or not. Like you, I had made peace and moved on and it felt lime a cruel joke. I am so hoping that it was indeed too early to see more and you will have that miracle pregnancy and a take home baby. I will be thinking of you, hoping for the best.


  2. linda
    Nov 23, 2011 @ 16:47:15

    great news!!!!!! ( :


  3. MyTwoLines
    Nov 23, 2011 @ 18:05:39

    Whoa there is so much here MY head is spinning so I can only imagine how you feel!! I will hold onto hope for you that this works out. Huge huge hugs!!


  4. PBJmom
    Nov 23, 2011 @ 18:19:29


    I am so hoping that you get great news next week.


  5. LisainSK
    Nov 25, 2011 @ 08:00:16

    Daisy….I am crying right now! I know the feelings of spontaneous pg can feel like and the unimaginable fears you are experiencing right now….but my crys today are because of this intense hope for you! I’ll be here every step of the way…incredible news. You are DEFINITELY in my prayers.


  6. Patience
    Nov 25, 2011 @ 10:27:41

    Oh Daisy,

    You are in my heart right now. I’ve been in your shoes and you know how my story ended up. I am praying with every bone of my body that you end up with a perfect little miracle in all of this. I am here if you want to talk… feel free to email, too.


  7. soulshine
    Nov 26, 2011 @ 17:10:48

    i have so many feelings reading your post- hope, anger, frustration, HOPE, excitement, anger… i can only imagine the feelings you must be having, and it must be torture waiting.
    you know that all of us have all the hope there is to be had that these betas, u/s, etc. work in your favor… and also that if they don’t, we are all here to support you in the aftermath. i will be thinking of you in these next few days.


  8. Cassie
    Nov 28, 2011 @ 09:25:23

    Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I’m just reading this now. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. You are right, this is not all unicorns and rainbows. You have a lot going on, and knowing what we all know, this could come out either way. I am so hoping for the best for you. You really do deserve your happy ending.
    Big hugs!


  9. soulshine
    Nov 28, 2011 @ 10:36:19

    thinking of you today


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