1 yr Blog Anniversary

It was almost one year ago that I started my blog.  As I sit here and reflect on the past year, the biggest thing I can think of is the amount of personal change I went through.  Getting to the point of accepting my infertility and working towards an adoption with an open heart took me a lot of time.  The accepting infertility actually took years, but this past year, I finally swallowed it.  I finally said that although I still had grief, I could live my life and that things could be good for me, for us, for my future family.  I had a BFN at C.CRm with a normal blast in the end of 2010 and was dealing with the aftermath in the early part of the year.  We thought through GC options and decided to try one more time with my uterus and had a chemical in April with a normal blast.  I met with a therapist individually for a few months and her words of wisdom helped me to start to heal in a way that I hadn’t been able to on my own, or in discussions with family or friends.  I joined a support group that she led and met women going through the same thing, but all at different stages.    We attended adoption seminars and talked with some families and started looking forward to creating our family through adoption.   We completed the home study process.  I announced our plans to several people at work, more of our acquaintances, the lady at the bank, etc.  And now, as you all know, we have our surprise and are working through the mixed emotions of joy and fear.   Other things have happened throughout the year as well that tested my strength.  But, considering all of this, I can say that I am proud of  the amount of personal growth I have achieved.   I think I would be saying this even if the current events weren’t true.  I know this because I was starting to see my old self come back, not 100% but a lot more than I had in years.   

My wish for 2012 is that we all continue to have personal growth and that we can all look back in a year’s time and say that we are better off than we were before.  No matter what we are all facing, whether it be creating our families, relationship issues, family issues, work stresses, financial stresses, etc, I wish for everyone it is better next year than this year. 

All this being said, I cannot say that my nerves haven’t been tested to the extreme lately.  We did have another ultrasound yesterday and all looked good.  The days leading to it were tough, but I tried to stay on an even keel.  We’ve got weekly appointments for the next three weeks.  The OB did suggest that we get a peri involved now while things are good to see what they recommend considering my UU and other risk factors (fibroid).  I still have my guard up, but we do need to make appointments with doctors in advance.  It’s not like I can say, “Hey things went well today, Mr. Peri, can I meet with you tomorrow at 9?” 

Wishing you all the best for the New Year.

Step by Step

I feel like I’m living day-to-day, or really, week-to-week.  I feel relieved when I get good US results, and stay happy for a day or so, but then I start with the worrying.  I was very nervous to go in today because my symptoms seemed a bit less, albeit still there.  I’m seeing a pattern here, but none of it involves sheer joy and happiness over our current state.  I guess if I didn’t have my history and if I was a bit younger I may be able to do that.  But, I can’t…just can’t.   Neither can DH. 

The US results for today were good, measuring right on track at 9w2d with a heart rate of 170 bpm. 

The machine at the OB’s office is much less advanced than the one at my former RE.  It makes sense because the RE’s need to see little follicles and the OB typically doesn’t even look at you until 8 wks.  The little bean was very blurry, much blurrier than my US at 7w2d at the RE.  I could see the little arms and legs clearly at the RE.  This one is like a big white blob with some areas resembling arm buds and legs.  I almost want to go back to the RE.  I told the nurse practitioner, who has done my last 2 US’s, that the one over at the RE seems to have a much higher resolution.  She said, “yes, and they paid a gillion dollars for it”.

Next week we have our first appt with the doctor.  I was told today they will do an US then, too.

I like the nurse practitioner.   She is very thorough.  I think she’s also a midwife.  I had a bleed a little over a week ago (very scary)…the day after my last RE’s appt and last post.  So, I called the OB to see if I could get an earlier US and she had me come in the next day.   I shared my history with her as well as our adoption plans.   She’s done my last two US’s.  After today’s US, when it was time to go, she said Merry Christmas to me and gave me a hug, with the emotion of a friend.  I was surprised since she is very matter of fact, always reminding me that it’s week to week and sometimes day-to-day, but that we can be cautiously optimistic (hate that term).  It’s nice to sense that she is rooting for us. 

Thanks to all of you for your support!  It warms my heart to know I have friends in cyberspace thinking of us and hoping for us. 

Wishing you all Happy Holidays!

Still Growing and Mom

My mom had her last chemo today.  She is so happy about that.  She will feel tired through Christmas time, but then after that, every day she will feel better and better and will be able to get back to her normal self.  She will be going through radiation for 6 wks or so starting in Jan, but that shouldn’t affect how she feels from an energy standpoint.   It felt good to go there today with her knowing that this was it. 

Even with that and preparations for Christmas, etc, I am consumed by what is going on with me, both mentally and physically.  But, nausea and tiredness have taken a bit of the edge off of my nerves.   We had another US today at what would be 8w1d and I measured 8w6d and had a heartbeat of 164 bpm.  The doctor said she saw the baby move.  It’s pretty neat to see the head and feet, etc.  I’m still a bit reserved, mainly for self-preservation.  So is DH. 

I have to make an appt with an OB, so I called this afternoon and the receptionist told me that, for my particular doctor, I could either come in tomorrow or will have to wait until Jan 10 or so.  Say what?  I just had an US today, why go for another tomorrow?  And, if this new doctor has been prepped by my local RE and my new GYN, then why would I need to wait.  I somewhat verbalized that and then the receptionist told me to hold on.  She came back and said that my OB’s assistant was going to call me tomorrow.  I can see waiting until after Christmas, but Jan 10…no way. 

I am going to call my social worker this week and let her know what is going on.  I am going to level with her and see what she recommends doing with our home study (soon to be approved after we make some final decisions).  We know that the wait is long and we also know that this spontaneous pregnancy isn’t a guarantee.   At first DH didn’t want to tell her; he just wanted to move forward with an agency, etc.   But, after we talked, we both feel it’s best to let her know and go with her recommendation. 

I also called someone who I’ve been meaning to call (the daughter of a friend of my in-laws) who had adopted two children.  At approximately 1 week before I got pregnant I asked my MIL for the girl’s number so I could talk to her about agencies, etc.    She was great to talk to.  She said so many things that confirmed that being a mom through adoption is wonderful.  She would not change her family for one minute, even if she could go back and not have experienced infertility.  She and her husband feel so fulfilled in their family life and feel blessed.  She told me that I will get the baby(ies) I am meant to have…and I firmly believe that!

Music and Growth

Growth:

We had a good scan yesterday.  I’m measuring 7w1d and the baby had a heartbeat of 141 bpm.  So, good growth and on track.  My doctor wasn’t there, but his affiliate did the scan.  She was very nice.  I could tell she was a bit nervous for me, too.  I asked her a few questions.  She said the implantation site is in the right location and that my uterus looks of ample size with good muscle mass for a unicornuate.   She counted the heartbeat differently than my former RE who did the first scan; she measured from crest to crest and then calculated.  Based on last week’s reading, I would have expected it to be 126ish, but she came up with 141.  It seemed like a more exact way to measure, too.  Apparently, she is their resident expert when it comes to US. 

I was so nervous going in there.  The appt was at 11:40, so I had to go to work first, then leave early, drive 20 miles, then sit in the doctor’s office and wait for what seemed like and eternity.  I kept telling myself the mantra, “what will be will be”….and tried to calm myself down.   But, my body didn’t want to hear anything of it.  I guess this is the way it is. 

Music:

Last night we went to see To.ri Am.os in Bos.ton.  It was exhausting to do that on a work night, but we took today off.  She was great!  I always liked her and always wanted to see one of her shows.   To me, she’s one of those people who you can see once and that’s it….like Va.n Morris.on.  They also don’t seem to come around that much.  DH didn’t really like it much but he went for me.  We had a few funny moments in the beginning.  We had crappy seats, way up in the back of the multi-level theatre.  We sat down and there was this couple right in front of us who had freakishly weird wigs on (guy and girl).  The guy kept taking his off and putting it back on (he also wore a suit and bow tie).  The lady had one that was worse than a bee hive.  It was long but half of it stuck up in a hive.  At first, I didn’t know what to make of her, and neither did the lady next to me.   Also, there was a guy nearby who stunk like BO.  So, we moved two seats over and were going to be content there.  Then some people came who had those seats, so we needed to move back.  I sat down and the big hair lady asked me if she wanted me to take off her wig so I could see.  Bizarre.  Well, yeah, lady.  Just then I had noticed this huge pile of dried up gum on DH’s seat, just prior to him sitting down.  So, rather than just letting him sit in it and sucking it up like anyone else there would have, I waved the attendant over and asked her if she had a towel or something she could put down.  She didn’t but was going to check with her supervisor.  Within 2 minutes we were being waved down to new seats located 50% closer to the stage!  Score!   The people next to us were a bit jealous.  I’m sure you could find all kinds of nasty funk on any of the seats in there.  Then, when we got down there, there were 2 guy 2 rows in front of us with huge BO.  The floor was sticky.  The place was stinky.  But, Tor.i played and sang her guts out!

Then on the way home, we stopped at DH’s work, because we left a car there.  He was half way there already, so rather than him coming home and going together, I drove to his work and we went together.  So, on the way home, just after I got in my car, I heard one of my favorite old-time songs from Triu.mph, Fight the Go.od Fight.   All I could think of was one little thing!

The days grow shorter and the nights are getting long
Feels like we’re running out of time
Every day it seems much harder tellin’ right from wrong
You got to read between the lines

Don’t get discouraged, don’t be afraid, we can
Make it through another day
Make it worth the price we pay

The Good Book says it’s better to give than to receive
I do my best to do my part
Nothin’ in my pockets I got nothin’ up my sleeve
I keep my magic in my heart

Keep up your spirit, keep up your faith, baby
I am counting on you
You know what you’ve got to do

CHORUS:
Fight the good fight every moment
Every minute every day
Fight the good fight every moment
It’s your only way

All your life you’ve been waiting for your chance
Where you’ll fit into the plan
But you’re the master of your own destiny
So give and take the best that you can

You think that a little more money can buy your soul some rest
You better think something else instead
You’re so afraid of being honest with yourself
You’d better take a look inside your head

Nothing is easy, nothing good is free
But I can tell you where to start
Take a look inside your heart
There’s an answer in your heart

CHORUS:
Fight the good fight every moment
Every minute every day
Fight the good fight every moment
Make it worth the price we pay

Every moment of your lifetime
Every minute every day
Fight the good fight every moment
Make it worth the price we pay
Yeah

Still Hanging On

We got good news today. 

We saw and heard the heartbeat (109 bpm).  I measured 6w4d, which is exactly where I assumed based on my dates for LMP and O.   The doctor said the size and heartbeat are exactly where I should be.

I’m very happy but also very reserved.  The doctor who did the US was my former RE, prior to going to C.CR.M.  I have seen him during my monitoring also.   I really like him….and the therapist who ran my Group goes to his office weekly, so I had told her to tell him I said hi every now and then.   Once I got this news, I called on his office for support and they got me right in.  When I had the first US (at 5w1d) they only saw the sac and he said, due to my high beta, that they should have seen more, so he questioned the viability.  Then I had the good betas.  So, I went in there today and you could tell that they were happy to see me.  One of the nurses told me “miracles do happen” and as we waited to go in, I was getting more and more nervous…like, don’t put that pressure on me.  So, they started the scan and it seemed to take an eternity before he uttered anything, as I was staring at him hoping for a facial expression (none)..then he said “we have a pregnancy with a heartbeat”.   I had some tears.  He measured everything, at first we didn’t get a read on the heartbeat, so he went back near the end and he was able to clearly measure it.  He gave me a picture.

We talked for a while with him after.  He is ordering me weekly US’s for the next two weeks…he said, “you could go longer, but if I know you, you’ll want more frequent scans”.  So, I have my next one next Tue and then the Tue after that.  I also have to set up an appt with an OB (I have one recommended to me).  I asked him about the spotting and he said there is a chance, due to my high betas, that I had a vanishing twin.  Who knows.  He’s not concerned about the spotting.  I asked about testing my hormone levels and he said that was not necessary.  I will up my folic acid though.  I am taking a prenatal, but I have heterozygous MTHFR and throughout treatment I had been taking 4 mg folic acid as a precaution.  He said that I should take the extra. 

Another hurdle passed, whew, but I am terrified!  I don’t want to get attached. 

Thank you all for your support and good wishes!  It means so much to me to know that you are here to cheer me on.  I’ll be a basket case I’m sure, but for tonight I’m going to curl up on the couch with Daisy with DH by our side and watch our favorite Thursday shows.