Feelings

I just wanted to empty my heart a bit in this post. 

Tomorrow is a very difficult day for those still TTC or still waiting for a match.    The yearning and longing are always there, but tomorrow brings a special type of dagger that digs into the heart even more deeply.  Wanting to be a Mom is likely the strongest desire a woman will feel in her entire life.  I know that there are others beyond initially becoming a mom, such as wanting the best for your child who may be wayward, sick or addicted.    

Today I find myself thinking of those that are in the trenches, for however long, and I want you to know that I am praying for you today and hoping your day comes soon.   I wish you all the strength that you can muster to continue on.   

I am also thinking of a good friend of mine.  She is single and almost 43.  She hasn’t been lucky in love.  She used to be very picky, ending up with the wrong guy because they were good-looking, had that swagger, were “fun”, etc.  She has shaken the need for perfection and has determined what is truly important to her in recent years, but hasn’t found anyone.  She didn’t want to marry someone she wasn’t in love with and didn’t want to settle for someone just to have kids.   She has a nephew whom she adores and is very close to her family, but they live here and she lives away.   She is a mid-school teacher and is really good with children.   She didn’t have a very strong maternal instinct until now. 

She is planning to get her eggs frozen for now as she contemplates trying IVF with donor sperm.  She is concerned about the impact to the child not knowing its bio father and the fact that the child would be “different” from other children.  She is afraid that she will be the one who “caused this” when her child grows up and works through acceptance.  She has a friend who used donor sperm several years ago and has a college-age daughter.  She’s spoken to the child and her friend.  The child is well-adjusted and happy, but admits going through a period when she wondered who her “father” was.   She is also considering adoption, but doesn’t think she could afford it.  She is in conflict with herself about bringing up a child alone, especially being away from her family.    

I’ve been talking with her often about the physical and emotional issues surrounding this and IVF in general, especially at an advanced maternal age.  I’m being realistic and honest with her.  I’m not sugar-coating things, because that won’t help, but I’m trying not to be too negative, because she could get lucky.  She is making herself sick over it.  She is looking up the side of that mountain and is overwhelmed, all the while not yet realizing how much it takes.   She knows I have been through hell and back and she admits she didn’t really understand things until now.   I just feel so bad for her because I was able to go through the last 7 years with my husband by my side; I can only imagine how tough it must be to go it alone….and she is just starting. 

All I can do is be there for her.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Flygirl555
    May 13, 2012 @ 11:32:20

    You are such a beautiful friend. Happy Mother’s Day!

    Reply

  2. soulshine
    May 14, 2012 @ 12:44:19

    oh my word, what a tough thing. and i am thinking, she is not the only woman who is feeling just like she is.

    you are a good friend to her, of course! it is very hard to know what may lie ahead for her, but who knows- maybe she will luck out and it will be a short and sweet dip into the IVF pool.

    i am so glad that yesterday is in the past- i do have a child now, and it is a different feeling of course, but i remember very well the painful mother’s days that passed with no baby to hold. that is what i think of on mother’s day- not of cards or special dinners or whatever- i think all IF women, children or not, can feel a solidarity on that day.

    one thing about mother’s day and IF- when i know of someone who has struggled and struggled and is on their way, and mother’s day comes along while they are pregnant (hi, you!), i get very excited and feel like saying a big ‘F-U’ to IF.

    hope things are going well with you! thanks for the EDD- i am not up to no good, lol! i just wanted to have a date to hang my hopes on, as i am thinking of you and that baby very often as you get closer and closer.

    so, what is the current activity level for you? are you on modified bed rest? are you up and about more often now? how are you feeling with the extended bed rest? how is daisy doing? is she adjusting?

    have a great week! summer’s right around the corner 🙂

    Reply

  3. MyTwoLines
    May 16, 2012 @ 09:01:14

    I’m so sorry for your friend…what a tough spot to be in. I seem to run into people at the start of their IF journey and I never know how much to tell them…if I say I did IVF fives time without success that might be too much of a burden!

    Hope you had a nice day on Sunday!

    Reply

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